Antarctic Annals and Beyond

happy independence day!!!!!

2005-10-01T20:55:00.000-07:00

to all u nigerians our there:
CONGRATULATIONS!
happy 45 years baby
=)
hope u all wore your green and white and prayed for our dear homeland.

u think uve got it bad....

2005-09-30T00:34:00.000-07:00

then u hear something that completely blows ur mind.
my friend from high school had breast cancer.
we're talking 21 year old, healthy, black female, had same teachers as i did, walked same halls as me, thot same guys were cute, had breast cancer.
i heard yesterday and almost passed out. she's fine and recovering great but all the same..... somehow u dont think it would apply. all the breast cancer commercials i know have a caucasian woman who looks like shes in her 50s talking about it. and yes i know that it affects people much younger but c'mon! my friend's barely out her teenage years.
and to think i was complaining about my anatomy class.
next time i complain about my hair with split ends, i'll think of my friend who's bald (and looking fabulous by the way!)
next time i wake up with a cold, i'll remember that one day she woke up and found lumps.
next time i think that my life is crummy, i'll think of my friend and thank God for both our lives.
so if today u start to moan about ur circumstances, think of my friend who survived cancer and know that u can go thru anything.

i aint stressing

2005-09-28T20:11:00.000-07:00

i spoke with TA yesterday and we agreed that peace was a great thing to have, a great prayer to continually offer up. and like her, i think the Big Guy Upstairs is listening.
ive got my 2nd block of exams in about a week and half. i dont know what the heck is going on in class. but i aint stressing.
my housing situation was bothering my dad so i had to make some sacrifices that almost made me want to jump off a cliff. but i aint stressing.
im finding it hard to balance my time the way i should, ive got to submit a topic for my research presentation in 2 days, a presentation i dont even know where to start from. but i aint stressing.
all in all, my life doesnt look too good right now.
but Jesus is still alive.
so i aint stressing

be wise!

2005-09-14T02:51:00.000-07:00

what exactly does it mean to be wise?
who knows.
i can tell u what it is to not be wise tho. its waiting until the day before uve got a paper due to start writing it. its currently about 5am and im writing a paper on dupuytren's contracture for my clinical human anatomy class thats due by noon. i got the topic last week wednesday, so yes ive had a full week to get it done but of course i didnt. so if i sleep during all my classes today, we'll know why.
its cos im soooooooo not wise.
we've started getting back the results from block 1 exams. keep em fingers crossed people. looks like i might not have to jump off a cliff after all. not really looking forward to class today (random guess: proly cos i havent slept yet). im looking forward to lab tho. dont think ive told u about lab. my group has five members and i think my partners are really cool people. personally, ive never met a more encouraging group. it freaked me out at first cos i wondered if normal people actually congratulated u just cos u made an incision without compromising any superficial blood vessels or nerves. anyhu, we're a great team and we like our body donor. we named him karl. thats karl with a k. so we can call him k. daver.
yeah, in addition to not being wise, we arent funny ;-)
but at least we get the work done (even if its at 5am) and ive been told that thats all that counts.
have a good one people. no sleeping on the job now.

seeing the world thru another's eyes.

2005-09-12T17:02:00.000-07:00

yesterday someone called me a "big ol strawberry cheesecake".
highest praise! especially when u consider who it was that said it (he would sell his right arm for strawberry cheesecake). however, i hate cheesecake. so even tho i knew i should be blushing, i just scrunched up my face and said "ure sooooo stoopid"
but it helped me realize what understanding is all about. its about listening to someone not with ur own ears, but with theirs. i talked about how someone annoyed me yesterday. well, it turns out that i wasnt mostly right and he wasnt mostly wrong. ;-) in my defense i must say that i misunderstood what he was trying to express and i really wasnt listening when he was saying "ure not listening to me!" but it was only when i put myself in his shoes that i saw that what i was blaming him for wasnt something that could have been helped. *enter feelings of guilt and shame* fortunately, he was a whole lot more understanding than i was when i went to apologize. but i digress.
what i got out of that whole strawberry cheesecake thing and my fight yesterday was that we all need to look at things thru other people's perspectives. and yes, even tho the world does revolve around me, im not always right (insert genuine shock). so before i make conclusions about someone or something, i need to first walk a mile in shoes that arent mine.
or at least a couple feet.
=)

what can i say?

2005-09-11T16:32:00.000-07:00

its been a while eh? tell me bout it.
im currently really upset with someone so this is proly not the time to write. its also funny cos said person has been saying for the past 6 weeks "OG ure always happy and cheerful and stuff. i wanna see u when ure angry". oh well, i guess hes seeing it now. and hed better be freakin grateful that he can still see cos Lord knows i wanna claw his eyes out.
so what have i been doing? who really knows. i started school on the 15th of august. absolutely loved it! i was on a roll. i knew what was going on in class. i was feeling good bout myself. and i studied! like ive never done before. and still loved every second of it (i know im crazy)
then i started to slack off at the start of the 3rd week of classes.
bad move.
especially since i had my first block of exams the week after that. (who the heck has exams after just 3 weeks of classes?) im yet to check my scores but considering what ive heard from the people who actually checked, it aint looking good people.
anyhu, its a new week. im studying the way i used to. by the time block two comes in 4 weeks, imma be ready.
but all thats the boring stuff. what else is going on in my life is what i should really be saying. i got an apartment! its a 2 bedroom and gorgeous. and by the time i get a roomie itll be cheaper than the room im renting now. and u guys know i wanted to move out by sept 1st right? well, my landlady said that cos i didnt give her up to a month's notice, i would still have to pay for the entire freakin month whether i lived there or not. and since im not one to throw money to the wind, im still at her house. but ive signed my lease for my new place and will start moving my stuff in by next week. and for the record, my new landlord, is great! i couldnt have prayed for anyone better.
was in chicago for the weekend. as always, its was fabulous seeing TA and TO again. i really miss when we would all hang out in undergrad. now we've all moved on to far flung places to pursue our dreams. so sad.
in other news, my brother is here! yep, my baby has started school over at howard university in dc. and yes, he likes it. in addition, my dad is in the country. hes in delaware now with my big bro. i'll be seeing him on the 24th when he comes over to wisconsin. im really excited about showing him the place i now call home.
what else? church is great. i really really love my church. and my pastor and i are mad cool. today after service when i went to say goodbye, he took one look at me, saw all was not well, gave me a hug and said "OG u know ure my daughter, call me if u need to talk." thats all he needed to do. right there and then i knew what i had to do. so right after that i went to pour fire on someone's head.
just kiddin.
i didnt pour fire. i simply ignored him for a couple hours. then very calmly expressed my intense disappointment. unfortunately, he doesnt get it. yes, thats what i said, he doesnt freakin get it. he thinks it was no big deal and wonders why im stressing. at that point in time, i wanted to say "who are u and what exactly am i doing with u again?" so instead i smiled and said:
"are u ok?"
"me? this aint about me. are u okay?"
"yes i am. now answer my question"
"im fine!"
"congratulations."
*i get out of the car and walk away without looking back*
so yeah, its been an iffy day. im currently in the library trying to study the cranial nerves. my mind is sooooooooo not here tho.
oh well, lets all grab martinis and toast to better days. cheers!

just tired

2005-08-11T20:46:00.000-07:00

i dunno whats goig on with my bodee but im just so incredibly tired. and its not like i did anything today. well i hung out with PN and KA. and PN cooked for me. did i tell u guys hes cooked for me everyday this week? i didnt? oh. my bad. i realized that today and figured that i proly need to spend a bit more time in my own house, eating my own food. its just that when he takes me home i feel sad. and his mom is always inviting me to stay over (?????????????) cos she says he takes me home late and i should spend the night instead. of course im there thinking 'erm, it aint that late, and Jesus will shoot me'. anyhu shes really cool. i like her. i mean her son cooks and cleans, shes gotta have done somin right.
ive got my white coat ceremony tomorrow. i shall be officially inducted into the noble profession that is medicine. then its off to PN's sister's birthday party. should be fun. lets just hope im no longer this tired.

moving on out

2005-08-09T20:11:00.000-07:00

its past 10 and im inclined to remain where i am right now - in someone else's house.
so sad.
ive started house hunting. i think im going to get an apartment and share it with someone cos the whole idea of renting a room and someone's house is highly replusive right now. the good news is ive found an apartment already. the bad news is i havent found a roommate. anyhu, im going to go check it out tomorrow and if it looks good, i'll be moving in early next week whether ive got a roomie or not. i'll also be looking for other options but im kinda limited since i want something very close to school. oh well....
school is super. but we're getting tested (already!!!!) for cpr certification tomorrow and i need to go study for it.
bleh!

good and bad times

2005-08-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

today is the first day of orientation and im loving it thus far. i think my class is full of really cool people. tho when i first walked into the room where we had breakfast i thot i had walked into a 'white males' convention. but it turns out that my class is 45% female, so i admit my intial observation was wrong. anyhu we've been having sessions and cool stuff like that and everyone ive met has been really nice. spending the next 2 years in class with them should be a really great experience.
so yes, in that regard its been good times.
however i had a fight with my landlady yesterday.
people, it was ugly. i mean it wasnt an all-out fight, as opposed to her yelling at me and me looking on in shock and mumbling my apologies. what was it about? i dared to bring a guy into her house. what happened? it's sunday morning and he came to pick me up for church. i invite him in so he doesn't have to wait for me outside. and my landlady saw red.
what's really ironic is shes got 3 tenants and 2 of them happen to be men so i guess its not that she's got a problem with all guys, just the ones i happen to know. she said some really hurtful things and i think what pissed me off the most was the fact that she's always been telling me how im the perfect tenant and she wants me to live there forever so im trying to understand how in the blink of an eye, i became the very epitome of all things evil. she wanted to know who he was (none of your business), where i met him (still none of ur business) but i told her he was from church and he was there as my ride to church and she goes off with how its the born-again ones (said with the ugliest snarl ive ever had the horror of seeing) that are the worst cos shes handling this case (shes a social worker) of a supposed born-again christian whos a pedophile so i shouldnt even say church in the hopes of making it better (woman, u asked for where i met him!!!). she said how she doesnt just let people step into her house without doing some sort of background check on them and she has the power to find out things about me and my friends that i would not believe and i dont want to know the extent of the stuff she can get on me (i beg ur pardon, what exactly are u threatening me with?). and she went into the whole im from another country so i dont understand how things work here (first, people are the same worldwide; second, ive lived in this country for more than 4 years; third and most importantly, what the heck has the fact that im a foreigner got to do with anything?!). then she said she knows i come home for lunch and she sometimes does that too (lie! in my 2 months here shes never come in for lunch) so if she should come in and catch me with a man in her house, my things will be out on the street that very evening.
WHAT??????????
ive got to move out.
first off, who the heck do u think u are? and do u think im going to be having orgies in ur house, or im going to invite thieves to come see the layout of ur place? who do u think i am? and if im paying u rent, whatever i decide to do in my room is up to me. this is business, not family.
unfortunately, even tho im on a month-to-month plan, when i moved in i gave her my word that id be here at least until december and after that id give her a months notice b4 moving. which means im stuck here for the next 4 months. i want to weep.
so yeah, in that regard its been bad times.
buts its all good. i reported her to God. and Hes capable of seeing me thru everything.
even landlords.

happy birthday girl

2005-08-04T13:20:00.000-07:00

my darlin sister,
happy birthday luv =) wow! ure eight already! where did the years fly? i still remember the first time i saw u. u were just a couple hours old and already as cute as a button. im so sad we arent together right now. its hard to know that ure growing into a young lady and im not there. but we are always together in my heart, always together in my mind. i miss u and pray for u always.
all my love,
OG

this just in.....

2005-08-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

"the thought of u makes my day beautiful"
ahhhhhhhh text messaging is a very good thing

my baby's coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-08-03T07:46:00.000-07:00

my brother got his visa!!!!!!!!!!!
im soooooooooooooo incredibly happy =)
so yeah, my baby bro is coming over to start school at howard university in dc. he should be getting here next weekend and will stay with my brother until school starts. so i flying over to delaware next week saturday to spend a couple days with them.
im just so happy hes coming. u have no idea how in love i am with that boy and im glad i'll be able to see him a lot more often now.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, tis a beautiful day!
=)

climbing mountains in running shoes

2005-08-02T10:07:00.000-07:00

Well, its been a while, eh?
Its been a crazy, beautiful, frustrating, incredible 3 and a half weeks.
As we all know, Id been waiting for the state dept to send my prints back to the consulate so I could get my visa and come back to the states. Well, lord knows they took their time.
Last time I was on here I said I was gonna stay with LR parents. they met me at the station in Edmonton and there began my love affair with the most socially-conscious people I have met in my entire life. They run a non-profit organization that handles dire medical cases, cancer in particular, for their clients who are mostly aborigines. They also have a theatre arts community outreach program. I came face to face with the mess that politicians make of the medical system. I heard all the horror stories of physicians who I honestly believe set out to kill their patients. But I also heard the stories of faith, strength, hope, and resilience of the human spirit – people who fought and survived even after they had been written off by the system. It was great!
My stay in Edmonton taught me patience. To wake up every morning and pray that would be the day when the consulate would call me. To go to bed at night wondering why it seemed like God had abandoned me. One night it got so bad that I just lay on my bed and wept. I was frustrated, I was tired, I was missing work, I had paperwork for school that I needed to turn in…… in other words, my sense of helplessness was choking me. But it’s in our darkest hours that God shows His face. Gradually my prayers changed from “I want my visa and I want it now” to “give me the visa in Your time”. My outlook changed from ‘God is just being mean’ to ‘God wants me to learn something from this and imma learn it even if it hurts’. And little by little I learned to enjoy not endure.
And honestly I did have fun. I got to know Edmonton well. I went for dim sum every Saturday morning at with my hosts and their friends at a Chinese restaurant, I saw west Edmonton mall, the largest in the entire world, I saw Johnson canyon which has 2 flippin incredible waterfalls. But the best was going to Banff national park. It’s got the beautiful Lake Louise and its surrounding mountains. That morning as we left the house I was told we’d go hiking, see some teahouses, nothing too stressful so I just took running shoes. So we get to the park and I’m simply blown away by how beautiful everything is. And in passing I ask for where the teahouses are. Of course I’m told they’re on top of the freakin mountains! But being that I was with practical jokers I didn’t take them seriously. Until we started climbing. Lord did we climb! At first we were going to the teahouse on the Plain of the 6 glaciers. After we’d been going for hours and were told that we still had a long way to go, we turned and headed out to the teahouse on the St Agnes Mountain instead. So even though St Agnes is only about 7100 feet high, we climbed sooooooo much more than that.
But it was worth it! I saw some pretty amazing views in Antarctica but the top of the mountains in Banff gives Antarctica a run for its money. Beautiful doesn’t even come close to describing it. you should all go! =)
So we start coming down and that’s when the real craziness started. I’ve never been on anything as steep in my entire life! I was sure I would die, yeah in a beautiful place but it would be an ugly death all the same. So there I am wishing I had hiking boots, saying “The Lord’s Prayer”, “Psalm 23”, and every other prayer I know while trying to stop myself from glancing down the cliff every 2 minutes cos it just made me freak out further. By the time we got down, I was so much closer to Jesus ;-) and I realized that that’s the way life sometimes is – climbing mountains with running shoes. We don’t always feel well equipped, and we hardly ever stop to admire the beauty around us, and we’re so convinced that we’re going to fail that we choke ourselves b4 we even try. But when we stop dwelling on the issue at hand and instead choose to dwell on Him, our accomplishments can only be described as amazing. So yes, life is just climbing mountains with running shoes.
Anyhu, I was eventually able to go pick up my visa last week Tuesday. So I left Edmonton for Calgary, got the visa, and checked into a hotel sick as a dog! I dunno where I got that cold from but Lord did I get it. I was sneezing, coughing, my nose was a running faucet, and my chest was so congested, it felt like I had a ton on it. Then, cos I never do anything half-assed, my temperature spiked. So there I was burning up but I wanted to turn on the heat cos I wanted to get rid of my cold. So I went to bed with only one prayer “let me be well enough to get on the plane tomorrow”
And He said yes.
So I got into the country Wednesday night and although I still have coughing fits once in a while I was able to go into work the next morning. So Thursday I go to work and it feels like triumphant entry into Jerusalem =) everyone is fawning over me so as a welcome back celebration everyone in my lab went to GermanFest that evening. Mad fun! We ate, drank, and sang German songs. Okay, the Germans and Swiss in our lab sang German songs, the rest of us just provided random shouts of 'Ja Ja' and 'Nein'. Its funny, I’m one of them crazy people who’s always ready to have a good time but I’ve just never let loose. First off relying on someone else for a car is one easy way to curb such tendencies. And I’ve always been a total nerd so when I’m in school I never do anything cos I just want to be alone with my books.
So because I know myself so well, between now and when classes start, I intend to enjoy myself to the fullest. And I’ve found my wingmen! Enter KA, BS, and PN. They’re guys from church who love life with almost as much passion as they love God. On Saturday I went to church cos I had choir practice and the bunch of us just hung out after that. And we had this crazy praise jam session. Its not everyday that you see guys my age who get that into praise – we had drums, the electric keyboard, they all had mikes, and were dancing like no one was watching. It was beautiful. So Saturday was just us and God having fun. Sunday after church I hung out at their place, and KA cooked me lunch. What was it? Pounded yam. Ok, u need to be Nigerian to fully appreciate what that means. For a guy to cook you pounded yam and soup…… lord! So I immediately pledged to marry him. After playing PS2, we all went for a party of another guy from church, stayed there until about 9:30pm then went to watch Stealth (great movie by the way). Yesterday PN came to take me out for lunch at a fabulous Thai restaurant, then picked me up after work and we watched a movie at his place and just hung. Today I’m taking a half day at work and he’s coming to pick me up at 1pm. And tho he wont tell me what he’s got in mind, I know imma have fun. And I believe tomorrow BS is taking me out and Thursday thru Sunday all 4 of us are gonna hang. And yes theyre seriously planning what the weekend is gonna look like.
Brief rundown of my wingmen:
KA, aka “Brotherman” is 22. He is just the coolest dude ever. And even tho I introduce him as my boyfriend who cooks, we’ve got a fantastic sibling-like relationship. He’s a joker who keeps me cracking up every second. And he made me pounded yam so he’s worth his weight in gold.
BS, aka “Wildman” is 23. In terms of money, time, and attention, he is the most generous human being I’ve ever met. He is also the craziest. He’s one of those people who is the center of attention everywhere he goes whether its cos he’s acting like an ass for our entertainment or he’s doing 100 at midnight on the freeway and running reds, and although ure screaming at him, u know that becos him and his car are pretty much one entity ure gonna be ok. So instead u shut up and enjoy the wild ride that that he is.
PN, aka “Smoothman” is 24. He was in the marines for 5 years. Did u get that? Yes, I said the marines. I dunno bout y’all, but where many females think any man in uniform is hot, the marines in particular rock my world. He got out of service last year which his mom is pleased about cos his company is stationed in Iraq right now. Anyhu, he’s super confident, super suave and yet the consummate gentleman – from things as little as opening car doors for me, to taking me to a fancy shmancy restaurant and absolutely refusing to let me pay for even my glass of water. I think its funny cos even tho the other 2 never let me pay for anything they sure as heck aint opening any car doors. What I get instead is “ur hand dey pain u? ma fren, if u no open door u go slap oo!” which is Nigerian-speak for “your hand doesn’t look like its broken, so dear friend, ud better open that door urself or ull walk home”. But they let PN spoil me and I aint complaining.
So those are my wingmen. And like true wingmen we’ll be catching em trips. Yes, life is like climbing mountains in running shoes, and Lord knows I’m running with the wind in my sails. But He still sends people to make sure we’re running in the right direction. And for that, many thanks go to TA who called me last night and prayed.

back after these messages

2005-07-29T16:23:00.000-07:00

im back in the US!!!!!!!!!!
will post as soon as possible.
for the record, i really missed u guys.
and i got me a man =)

while i was sleeping

2005-07-08T08:41:00.000-07:00

ok i got a wake up call this morning from CK.
turns out yesterday evening she gave a ride to LR one of the guys in my program at school. he's originally from canada and his parents live in edmonton which is next to calgary. CK told him all the drama id been thru and he went to work on joinin the legion of barnabases. he made a couple calls, wrote an email to CK, and then was officially inducted into the league of extraordinary gentlemen.
as i said, i got a wake up call and CK informed me of all the work that had been going on while i was in blissful dreamland. LR called his mother who is delighted at the chance to have me stay with them until my visa is issued. which is great since my reservation in this hotel is only until monday since theyre fully booked beyond that. and theyve got a phone and fax machine which are at my disposal for contacting the wonderful folk at the US consulate. and his mother is great when it comes to working with US/Canadian officials since she did all that stuff when LR first moved to the states and she'll be more than willing to help expedite things for me. she would also be willing to come pick me up at calgary or i could take the greyhound and she'll pick me up at the station. so CK calls and asks if id be willing to take them up on the offer of free food, accomodation, company to chat and hang with, and someone who'll take on my case, all this in a place which, according to LR, is "actually a much nicer city than calgary"?
how quickly did i scream "i'll take it!!!!!"?
quicker than u woulda thot was possible.
so i check out of the hotel in about 30 minutes and im off to edmonton =)
its great to have the Guy who "neither sleeps nor slumbers" moving mountains on my behalf while i was sleeping.
cant wait to see what He does now that im awake.

barnabases for your paul

2005-07-07T15:49:00.000-07:00

Paul is a pretty famous guy. The spread of early Christianity was largely because of him. But not many people know Barnabas. He was a helper of sorts to Paul. When the Christians didn’t trust Paul, Barnabas spoke on his behalf. He would eventually go with Paul on his first missionary journey.
So what’s my point? I hope you find as many Barnabases as I did on my trip to Calgary, Canada.
This is gonna be another long entry. Grab ur beverage of choice and get comfortable
I left for Canada on Tuesday. CK, loyal member of the ‘I hate driving in the dark club’ came to pick me up at 4:15am to take me to the airport. Which was very sweet considering that squarely fell in the ‘driving in the dark’ category. My trip was pretty decent. Flew to Texas (????) had a layover of some hours then it was off to Calgary we went. Used the airport shuttle to my hotel, Westin of the heavenly beds fame. All’s looking good. Used the mapquest directions to navigate from hotel to US consulate. Took 12 minutes to walk. Fantastic. Went home chewed on the snacks I had stuffed my bag with. Ok maybe pringles, mars bars and water isn’t the healthiest of meals, but it was cheap and I was happy. Watched episodes of CSI and Rescue Me until midnight then went to bed. Couldn’t get any better.
Wednesday: Day of visa interview. I was in the zone, man! Feelin on top of the world. Did my morning devotion, listened to music, left the hotel at 8:30 feelin like I could make a two year old understand why E equals MC squared. Yeah, baby! lol. In other words: I had my A game. Got to the embassy and the wait began. DW, my mentor in lab, who is originally from Germany says US immigration is the most paranoid group of people on the planet. I mean, after 9/11 u can’t really blame em, but that don’t mean uve gotta love em. Anyhu, the consulate was a prime example. Compared to my experience at the Canadian consulate, the US one was just one security check shy of Alcatraz. But that’s ok, im in the zone, nothing can touch me. I go up to the cashier window where im supposed to let go of my hard earned 100 bucks and turn in all my documents. He begins to quiz me about stuff, gets irritated with the amount of time and effort, packs it up and says “whoever interviews u will deal with it”. Not exactly what u want to hear, but that’s okay, im in the zone. Then my number was called up and the lovely lady with my documents says “im not going to interview u but I do need to take ur fingerprints”. Its one of the electronic ones they have at the airport, no biggie. ‘Cept I didn’t notice other folks getting this special treatment. Not so cool. But im in the zone, nobody can touch me. I get called again. My interviewer looks like a decent sorta guy, I aint complaining. He asks all the basic questions, seems suitably impressed that I don’t have to pay for tuition, all that good stuff. Yeah, im really in the zone now. Then he passes back my application form to me and says “are there any answers in this section that u might want to change?” what section is this? The one where they ask 6 questions to see if uve ever done a criminal act in the US, tried to enter the country illegally, ever been deported, all that good stuff. Of course I ticked no to all of em, and I sure as heck wasn’t changing that. When he sees that im not changing any answers, he shakes his head oh-so-very sadly.
Has a head shake ever freaked u out? People, that shake took me right outta my zone. Just like that *snaps fingers*
He wants to know why the system doesn’t agree with my answers. Can any of u get into the freakin system and tell me why it has a problem with me? So I explain all that had happened at the airport when I tried to enter the US the last time. After it all, he said “its unfortunate that u had to go thru all that stress because of a technicality. Im really sorry. But im still going to have to do a background check on u, u know, to make sure everything is as it should be. And it’ll cost $85. once again, im really sorry” As I said, he was a decent sorta guy. And as much as I hate to add to the expenses ive incurred cos of this trip, what the heck is a sister gonna do right? So I ask,
“how long does the process usually take?”
“about a week and a half, give or take a few”
whadacrap?????????
First off, all the hotels in Calgary are booked solid cos Friday is the start of the 10-day Stampede festival, the biggest event of the year in Calgary. So I might have to pull a terminal and sleep in the airport for the next week and a half. Second, even if I find a hotel, how the heck am I gonna pay for it? Next, how do I feed myself? And yeah, I brought one pair of jeans, dress pants, and if u wanna be anal, my pajama bottoms. What am I supposed to wear? And doing laundry every 2 minutes is soooooo not sexy.
With all this going thru my mind, I smile and say “no problem, do u take credit cards?”
When I get back to the hotel I figured, that was a good time to worry my head off and weep, right? Nah! I told God I was done with the crap, it was His turn to handle things and promptly fell asleep.
I wake up, call my brother, call CK then start watching tv. I go back to the embassy to get back my passport, get the letter that says additional processing must be done before I can get my visa, give them the number of the immigration guy who handled my case at the airport in Philly, and get fingerprinted. The real thing this time, with ink and everything. Dude is impressed that im not freakin out about the whole being fingerprinted like a common criminal thing. I think of the fact that I got ink printed twice at the airport and another time at the county jail, and I smile. I almost say that the more u experience it, the less u see the need to cry, then figure that maybe that wouldn’t be such a great thing to tell someone who determines whether I get my visa. Go back to the hotel, call american airlines to reschedule my flight. Get told I’ll have to pay for the change of my flight plans and any difference in the new ticket. Hey whats new? Its ‘deplete OG’s bank account time’ and everyones havin a ball. I watch tons of tv, get calls from my bro, an aunt and CK, then fall asleep at about 3am.
Thursday: Ahhhhhh, the day I woulda been on my way back to the US with a brand new spankin visa. I tell God im sorry I haven’t really had a decent conversation with Him in the last 18 hours and decide to spend the morning in bed. Then the calls start comin in. my bro, my mom, my dad, my aunt, CK, DW and MB from my lab, and JB the director of my program. My whole legion of Barnabases had arrived.
JB tells his secretary to get him out of the conference he was supposed to be in, goes to meet with the accountant instead and says school will not only handle my accommodation stuff but that the program is also going to wire money into my checking account so I can at least do stuff while im there. DW pledges her unending love and support and says if I need anything I should let her know. MB says I should treat it like im on vacation and says the least I can do is enjoy the festival. He then says if I need him to, he’d be willin to drive to Calgary to help out (dude, Calgary is like on top of Las Vegas, I dunno, like 1100 miles on top of Las Vegas which is, I dunno, like 1600 miles west of Milwaukee). My aunt calls and after tut tutin, we both laugh at the superb run ive had with immigration for the past month. My dad, my rock, calls and tells me everything’s gonna be alright and cusses out the airport people who had started this whole circus. My mom, my other rock, calls and prays for me. My bro, also in the rock category, calls and says his credit card is my credit card, whenever I need it I should holler. CK says theres a Sheraton 8 miles from where I am, with suites that the travel agent at school is ready to book so would that suit my needs?
Yeah, my Barnabases are preeeettttttyyyy fantastic
=)
I guess deciding to not weep and worry wasn’t so bad after all.
Its interesting that during my morning (actually it was afternoon) devotion today, the very first verse I read was “let not your heart be troubled” and then some verses down, incase I didn’t catch it the first time was “let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid”
I like God. A lot. He’s kinda sorta cool.
=)
anyhu, I just arrived at the hotel. I like it. A lot. Its opposite the Canada Olympic park and right behind it is the ultimate hiking terrain. And its got internet that I don’t have to pay for!!!!!
God knows our needs. And He tailors our Barnabases to suit them.
Heres hopin your Barnabases bring u as much joy as mine have
=)

packing

2005-07-04T17:35:00.000-07:00

chicago was fantastic!
twas great seeing TA and TO again. and hangin out around the city was what the doc ordered. and im crazy about TA's dad so it was nice seeing him too. and i realized that TO knows me a lot more than i could have ever thot or imagined. weird! lol. and i missed TA's hugs! =) anyhu, im glad we all got to talk and just be happy together.
i ended up spending the night. and TA and i had a conversation that was very ..... necessary. im still reelin from the aftershock but i'll survive. right T?
anyhu, i travel to canada tomorrow morning. please pray that my visa interview ends up great. i dont know if i'll be connected to the internet at the hotel so i might not be on here for a bit. but whatever happens, remember me in ur prayers. gracias!
alrighty, im off to go pack and sleep. i leave for the airport at 4:30am. which totally sucks!

ventilating and intubating

2005-07-03T05:22:00.000-07:00

people, its been beautiful!
friday was beyond cool. my PI (researcher I work with) is an anesthesiologist and she practices in the hospital here in addition to her research. and friday i got to work with her in the OR.
i saw 4 cases. in the 1st, she explained the whole process of puttin the person under. and, in the spirit of throwing me right into things, she asked if i wanted to ventilate and intubate him. i said "of course!" and then asked what exactly that meant. well the ventilatin part is holding the gas mask over the face and controllin the pump so that the person doesnt take in too much too fast or too slow. which was relatively easy once u got the hang of pushin the mask down while pulling the chin up with one hand. then the ventilating part is insertin a tube down the person’s throat. now ive seen that down b4 and thot it was simply freaky! u use a metal thing to expose the person’s throat so u can see the tonsils, vocal cords, all that good stuff then insert a tube thru it makin sure u avoid said vocal cords, then keep on pushing the tube in cos u want it deep deep deep. as i said, freaky. but it was fun! and i got it right on the first try which was good for both me and the patient! =)
quick run down of the cases: *warning this could get kinda gross*
first one was a biopsy to check for cancer in the lymph nodes of the neck. so they burnt a hole in the guy's neck! i have seen crazy things and i have seen crazy things. this guy has a hole the size of a quarter in his neck and the surgeon is pickin at stuff talkin bout how there are so many things to avoid in there as black eyed peas 'where is the love’ is playin in the background. the difficult part is the fact that if he nicks the carotid artery (blood vessel in the neck) the bleeding would be instantaneous and crazy. and becos the hole is so small, the surgeon wont exactly have space to start stitching up the vessel. and b4 u cut up enough space to actually do damage control, patient might have lost too much blood for any damage to be actually controlled. crazy, my people, crazy.
2nd case was a woman who had a hernia in her chest. her diaphragm (separates the organs of the chest from those in ur abdomen) had ripped, her esophagus (tube that runs from ur mouth into ur stomach) had extended, and her stomach had dropped into her bowels. so they made a cut from navel to about the center of her chest. and after geting thru skin, fat, and all the layers of muscle, her bowels, and i aint kiddin here, just kinda spilled out. people u dont know how many miles of intestines uve got until u see them coming out ur side! and uve got globs of fat everywhere and membranous sheets that connect the intestines and make them contort such that they can actually fit in ur body. so they dived into the soup that is our innards and found her stomach, put it back up into position and then stitched up the diaphragm. then the surgeon cut a portion of her intestine and attached it to her esophagus cos hers was weak from the stress and they needed to extend it anyhow. then cut another bit of her intestines that had been worn away by acid from her hernia. the sewed her back together. messy! but way cool =)
third case was a woman with a double lung transplant. that, my friends, was cool! the transplants were done 2 days before but they left her open to make sure that incase her body rejected them or there was an infection, they could quickly get in and fix stuff up. so at the start of the surgery, they took off the bandages and i saw the coolest incision ever!!!!!! i believe its called a crab claw cut, or somin like that. u cut under the breasts following the natural line from one side of the chest to the other. so it looks like a w, or the underside of bra cups. then u lift the chest like ure opening a tool box and attach the lungs. dude, u should have seen it! anyhu, the surgeon checked the lungs to make sure they were functioning great (they were beautiful). then he cut off a piece from both edges cos the lungs were too big for her (i never thot of the fact that donated organs dont always come in our exact size) it was a pretty cool instrument that slices off the part while sealing (tons of heat involved) the cut behind it. then he closed her up.
4th case was just the craziest! 30 year old guy with a heart transplant. diagnosis: very sick. ive spent 2 summers working in hospitals and ive never seen anyone who was hooked up to as many things as this guy. it took 7 people to move him from the ward into the operating room cos although we could take him off some of the machines, we had to keep the 'basics'. he had 6 IVs going in at the same time and tubes coming out of everywhere. turns out they did the transplant the previous sunday. by the next day, the complications started. the left side of the heart (which pumps blood into the whole body) failed. so they inserted a device which does the work of his ventricle (chamber responsible for the pumping action). the next day he went into pulmonary hypertension. which simply means that the right side (which takes oxygen-rich blood from the lungs to the heart) had failed. which means that the left side was kinda useless since the only way the inserted device can work is if it gets blood from the right side of the heart. so it was back to surgery for him and they inserted another device into the right side of his heart (rsh). this one isnt to actually do the work of the rsh but to complement it. problem is u cant tell how much the device is doing and if the rsh is gettin any stronger. which means that when u take out the device, u pray that the rsh is now strong enuff to work without it. and be prepared to put another one in if the rsh collapses before ur very eyes. why dont we just leave both devices in his heart? cos theyre temporary and arent supposed to be inside u for more than 2 weeks. if u leave them in for longer than that, say hello to infection and device failure. which would be very very bad. so friday was 'take out device' day. which was great for me since i got to see it. also great for the patient to cos it turned out his heart was strong enuff to work without it. thing is, he doesnt even know!! hes been under for a week! so although his family are very aware of everything thats been happening, and they back off the anesthetics enuff to rouse him for his consent, he wont remember a thing. and even if he does, all he'll know is that he was very very comfortable. which is a very good thing when u consider the battery his new heart has been through. all in all, it was pretty amazing. looking at a transplanted heart is an experience out of this world! u can see the stitches where the heart from the donor was attached to his own vessels. beyond amazing!
all in all, a very long day. we started at 8am, and i didnt leave until 7pm. i mean we had 4 different surgeons so its not like they were beat up and my anesthesiologist had 2 residents (so they had 2 of the 4 cases each) who were working as she supervised them. but that’s still 11 hours on my poor feet. as i walked home, my back almost gave out on me! but it was a good type of tired, the highly satisfied one =)
yesterday was cool. i went to the zoo with CK. there was a sting ray exhibit where u could put ur hand in and touch the rays as they swam by. and i put my hand underneath one and it flapped against me for a couple seconds while i squealed like a little girl. its the little things that excite us that count and Lord knows i was very excited =) and a hefty gorilla actually posed for me as i took tons of pics of it that can out beautifully =) and CK said the gorilla must have really liked me cos all the times shes come it has never cooperated with her camera. and to that i said "yeah, him and half the male population". which was not such a good thing to say in front of the tons of random people there but oh well. whats a girl to do eh? then we went to a mexican restaurant and talked for eons. then it was off to choir practice for me and i had tons of fun! and afterwards all the choir members just sat and ate chinese food. by the time i came home, i was very full and very very happy.
and today i go to chicago to see TA and TO! and i'll spend today and a bit of tomorrow there. then i'll come home, pack and its off early the next morning to canada.
yes my life is full.
when im not ventilating and intubating, im flyin off to cities unknown.
i hope ur 4th of july is as pleasant for u as mine has been.

1 down, 1 to go.....

2005-06-30T21:22:00.000-07:00

got my canadian visa!!!!!!!!!!!
=)
=)
=)
and it was really stress-free. and im soooooooo grateful to God right now. and thanks for ur prayers. they moved mountains on my behalf.
so i shall be on my way to canada tuesday morning for my US visa. and im actually excited about it.
cos i know God's got me covered
=)
ahhhhhh.... its a lovely day, my people, a very lovely day.

tired

2005-06-29T13:05:00.000-07:00

spent the night in the lab yesterday. long story, i'll tell u later.
its 3pm and im about to fall asleep at my desk.
so im going home now. hopefully i'll wake up b4 6pm when i have bible study.
i'm going to detroit tomorrow for my canadian visa. pray, people, pray.
MB will be picking me up at 2am.
yeah.
road trip in the middle of the night.
should be fun.
but we intend to see the city while we're waiting for the visa to be processed so that should be interesting. and we'll drive back down during the evening so at least we'll be able to enjoy the scenery.
alrighty, im going to bed now.

fare thee well

2005-06-28T21:51:00.000-07:00

my darlin FO,
which do i start with? "i love u" or "im going to miss u more than u will ever know"
my dearest sister. i cant believe uve gone and i didnt get to talk to u. i dont know why i didnt hear the phone ring and by the time i got ur message and tried callin u back u were already on the plane. for that, im sorry. please ignore the fact that its a well known fact that i dont call anyone. cos if u give me ur new number, i promise to call u.
my sweet sister. of the circle of five, i was the most like u. we thot alike, felt alike, and if u hoochiefied ur closet a bit, we would have dressed alike too =). im sorry things fell apart senior year. with all the traveling we did, 1st semester wasnt even an option. then second semester came, u lived off campus, i was doing all that extra stuff, and we kinda just stopped talkin. but little did i know that we werent talkin for the exact same reason - we were both hurtin. from the same stuff (sisters in all ways, no?) i regret that fact that we didnt open up to each other. we could have helped each other get thru it as opposed to doin the whole 'we're strong, independent women' thing that left me so miserable. and uve always been stronger than me. so when u felt strong enuff and reached out for me, im sorry i didnt come running. its just that i felt i wasnt at the right place yet. but since when did sisters care about right places? im sorry i was such crap.
im glad we talked last week. it was really good for me spendin 2 hours on the phone with my sister. im glad we both opened up. i think its highly spooky that we both got over that and walked into where we are now (see, only real sisters live parallel lives). and u talk about.... lets say 'dawn of a new day'....and its like "i feel the same way!". and it was good laughin at how we must have issues to be doin this, and all that good stuff. but even when we complained, from the excitement in our voices, it was obvious that we believe in our hearts that its all worth it (wow! how did that happen?). and as we talked i knew that i would love u forever.
my big sister. u know i look up to u right? i see ur hunger for God and it leads me to go pray. u define the phrase 'desperately seeking God'. dude, i wanna be u when i grow up.
i pray for u whenever i think of u, which is often. and i miss u already. for this year that ull be in nigeria, i shall use ur experiences to live like im there again. and when u go to england next year, i'll be coming over for christmas (deal?). even tho we both know that u might be buyin 2 tickets as opposed to one ;-) and by the way, i hope u do buy 2. and if u decide that ull be stayin at home instead (dont even think about it) i'll still see u at christmas and we can hang out in G4 and unilag. and i can meet all ur fellow artists and tell them that although theyre really good, theyll never be as fantastic as u. and u can get me tickets to the next show, or use me as a stage hand cos my biceps are noteworthy =)
my baby. forgive me. for not being the friend i shoulda been. i promise to make it up to u. and if u still love me as madly as i love u, i still wanna plan ur wedding.
until we meet again, fare thee well, my sister. fare thee well.
all my love,
OG

at peace

2005-06-24T14:13:00.000-07:00

its been hard my people, its been hard.
today i got more bad news. cos im on a b1 visitor visa as opposed to the f1 student visa, i cant come to work anymore. and i cant get paid for the month of june either. which is just great cos i just found out i might have to pay an additional $100 for a sevis entry and that the us visa is $100 not $75 as i once thought. and then, of course, theres the whole problem of feeding myself for the whole of july cos i wont have any money coming in until the end of that month.
so why am i at peace?
well, the fact that ive cried my eyes out is somewhat comforting =) i just got so frustrated with the fact that 2 weeks after the whole fiasco immigration is still screwing with me. and it turns out that the immigration officer could have issued me an f1 instead of a b1 (dont ask me why he didnt cos im as clueless as u are). and the fact that i cant work until i get my US visa is of course not pleasant for a workaholic like me (what will i be doing with myself for the next 2 weeks?). and my credit card bill wont be paid in full unless i get the check from my other bank (Lord knows ive been expecting it for the past week).
so i went to CK's office this morning to get a letter stating that ive been admitted into the MSTP at my school so i can take the letter to the embassy. and as i was talkin with her, i saw the concern in her eyes and the tears began to fall. i just got so tired and i wanted to run and never stop.
but things began to get better. CK wrote me a letter, MI the dean of admissions wrote me one, BW the lady i work with drove me to walgreens to take my passport pics, MB who is in my lab said he would drive me to detroit for my canadian visa interview (its freakin 400 miles away!!!) and everyone kept on encouraging me and asking for ways they could help out.
but i still felt sorry for myself. i regretted the fact that i listened to the person at lincoln who said i could travel with my old sevis form, the fact that i went home at all, the fact that i tried to declare stuff at customs which is how this all started, the fact that im schooling in a country that isnt mine. yeah, i was grateful for the kindness and love the folks around me show, but all the same i wished i didnt have to go thru all this.
so i shut the door to the office i stay in and cried some more. then i called home, heard my dad pick up his phone and wept even more. and my dad got so distressed. im definitely a daddy's baby (the fact that i was the only girl for 14 years might have somin to do with that) and he would face a thousand armies if it meant i would never cry again. and the more he said i should stop crying, the more i cried. then my mom took the phone. ahhhh.....my mom. the eternal voice of wisdom. so i obviously didnt want to listen to her. with good reason - she wasnt in the mood to hear me moan about my horrible life. she immediately compared me to the isrealites who grumbled in the desert.
*feel my shock* me?!?! what the heck was she talkin about? i mean God did all that stuff for the isrealites and the ungrateful buggers kept on complaining. serve them right that He made them wander in the wilderness. and then i saw. Lord knows i suffered while at immigration. but He brought me through. and sometimes i wake up and wonder how i'll survive with all i need to do to get back in status with INS, but each and everytime He calms my heart. and now, at the face of adversity, i crumble.
and the more my mom showed me how i was simply wallowing in self-pity and tellin God that my issues were bigger than He could handle, the tears didnt fall so fast or so freely anymore. i will be the first to say ive led a sheltered life. yeah my parents arent bill gate's cousins, but ive never lacked anything. things have always come easy for me. ive never felt unloved or unwanted. i never had to struggle in school whether for grades or for money. doors have always opened for me without me lifting a finger. so for me to go thru all this stuff within the past 2 weeks, its almost like im living someone else's life. OG doesnt suffer, so this cant possibly be me. one of the several Bible verses my mom quoted for me was "if in the face of adversity u lose strength, ur faith is small" or somin like that (yep, that verse was definitely written about me). but she also said that trials arent so bad as they invariably draw us closer to God. theres no such thing as suffering for no reason. and He will never let me go through what i cannot handle. so why do i cry like He is dead?
His grace is sufficient for me.
im in a program that pays for my tuition, insurance, and gives me a stipend until 2013 and i loose one months pay check and i act like He has forsaken me. immigration detained me and had booked my flight back home only for me to be miraculously let go and i act like He has forgotten me. i have a great job, house, friends, and family and i act like He is deaf to my cries. im healthy and loved and i act like He is blind to my worries.
i am alive and yet i act like He is dead.
ahhhh... i am worse than the isrealites in the wilderness. God has done so much more for me and i complained as bitterly they did.
my mom keeps my picture by her bedside. i was wearing my fav blue shirt and smiling like i had just been told that the world revolved around me. she says thats the way she sees me - smiling like i know that God lives. she calls me her star. she always talks about how i can face anything becos im her star and no man can ever quench the light God has put in me. what she didnt say was that with my own hands i could put out my own light. as i wallowed in self-pity, i couldnt see that i am beyond blessed. so im going thru a hard time. big deal. God passes His children through fire to refine them. gold is only purified in pains of fire, not the comfort of a soothing breeze. i appreciate breeze as much as the next person, but i will not complain when he refines and purifies me. becos just as the goldsmith hold his bar of gold with tongs as he puts it in the furnace, it is the same way God holds me as He puts me thru the fire.
the watchword isnt 'fire'. its 'holds'.
He will never leave me nor let me go.
that, my friends, is why i am at peace.

i cant take it anymore.

2005-06-22T14:11:00.000-07:00

okay, im trying to get my paperwork in order. which means going to a canadian consulate here in america to get a canadian visa to go to an american consulate in canada to get an american visa to come back into the country.
think that sounds stupid?
u have no idea.
so i set about doing all the work this morning.
booked the american visa interview in calgary, canada: $15 (but i had to pay an extra $15 cos i changed my appointment)
booked flight to calgary: $578.26
booked hotel: $166.95
canadian visa fee: $75
american visa fee: about the same
tried to book flight to canadian consulate in detroit. saw it cost $400. refuse to pay that so im going to call embassy in dc to see if i can do my interview there instead as the flight to dc is about $270. but they might not let me since i live in wisconsin and detriot is where wisconsin residents are supposed to go. so im going to lie that i still live in delaware. and lying is a sin. so the question is would i rather have a guilty conscience or save money.
and we wonder why im broke.
im a flippin student! i have no money! and yet (even if i fast for the 3 days im in canada and walk the airport-hotel-embassy-hotel-embassy-hotel-airport route so i can save the money i would have otherwise spent on food and transportation) this stupid process is still going to cost me more than a thousand bucks.
again, we wonder why im broke
im going home to cry now.

puttin his bags in another woman's closet

2005-06-21T17:25:00.000-07:00

when do u decide that its time to kick the samsonite man to the curb? when do u say hes gotta go? i found out the hard way that we sometimes realize it when its already too late. and i think someone whos dear to me is going to deal with the same thing.
BH is a friend that truly tugs at my heartstrings. i see all the stuff she deals with and i want to become a knight in shining armor. i want to make life better. this desperate need to help started because i made a grave mistake 2 years ago. she wanted me to her her with something and, against my better judgment, i did and her life got ridiculously complicated. and ive been paying penance ever since. each time i tell myself, "its over i cant handle this anymore, she never listens to me". but the guilt....ahh the guilt. it never leaves. i run to her whenever she so much as whimpers.
but now, it cant be helped. i will hurt her. because of the samsonite man that she likes and refuses to let go. u see, hes found the love of his life.
and its not her.
and i have to tell her tonight.
and im absolutely petrified.
and i wish i could simply say "leave him. he aint good enough for u" and that she'll leave him cos, although hes a sweetheart and i love him to bits, he isnt the one for her. but ive been saying that for eons. i tried saying it yesterday, but she still didnt listen. now i have to tell her that the man who isnt for her found the girl who is perfect for him. either that, or she'll find out this weekend from someone else who wont take her feelings into consideration as they recount the tale of our samsonite man who has finally found a place to lay his bags.
i hate this.
and i think of all my friends who fall in like with men who are all wrong for them. i really thot about it this weekend cos i finally saw that we are all like BH. some of us just happen to be lucky enough to be yanked from the situation before our hearts are shredded to bits.
but is the experience such a bad thing? based on my experiences, ive officially become the 'like em, leave em' type. i dont respect men. i have no expectations. they hurt u whether they want to or not. which is y im not suffering like BH. is my life great? no. there are certain joys u get from relationships that i dont have. but im fine with that. im perfectly content with the 'single, emotionally unattached, willing to be wooed by all, but always ready to leave and move on' person that i have evolved into. yeah, sometimes i wonder if 'the one' is one of the men i drive insane. but i know that even if Christ Himself came to me and said "this is the one i have picked for u" i probably wont treat him any different from how i do now. i dont want to be in a serious relationship. im not totally ready for it and i doubt he would understand my expectations. so y bother? and i got here without ever falling in love and having my heart broken. some might see that as sad on so many levels. i see it as learning from mistakes, whether mine or not.
TA and OMA will probably be surprised by the above paragraph based on the conversation we had 2 days ago. what happened? i prayed. Lord knows i prayed. and then i took the time to listen and it all became clear. at this point in time, i am not the girlfriend typa girl. i cant let myself go with a guy enough to be who he deserves. DA was right when he said i stare at him like im searching his soul for what will disappoint me. i thot those were harsh words when he said them. but truer words were never spoken. i expect men to disappoint me. becos ive been disappointed in the past and i refuse to be that girl again. and as i watch people like BH it strengthens my resolve to not like a man to the point where the only thing that will make me let him go is a broken heart.
my heart aint strong enough to survive the shattering.
i hope hers is.

the loves i left at home

2005-06-20T16:21:00.000-07:00

my baby sister P

my cousin Y

my cousin R

my babies

my cousin MD

MD and i

MD's dad, my uncle V when i was leaving lagos for abuja

MD and his mum, aunt Y (he took the pic himself)

my cousin R, uncle A (her dad), and i

uncle A, me, and aunt E

R, uncle A and aunt E and me on the wall

my best friend and twin sister AE and i

mummy!

the 3 musketeers

my baby bro T, the smartest sweetest man i know

T and i

my parents going out

i owe her my genes

me and me in 23 years

my dad at work

my dad and i

yes, we acknowledge ur cuteness

yes, we acknowledge ur sassiness

the 3 muskrats

i lurve the way R looks here

and here

ahhhh, homework. *yes!*

we're done with homework *crap!*

cool and cooler

forget school, lets take pictures!

last day, on my way to the airport

yeah baby!!!!!

2005-06-19T17:34:00.000-07:00

TA got into meharry medical college!!!!!
YES!!!!!!!!
*does crazy dance for 1 hour straight*
baby, im soooooooooooooooo proud of u. u totally rock! and ure in!!!!!
and im so happy. and so proud.
and u start class on monday. how crazy is that? and ure gonna show them the amazing student that u are. hurry up and tell the rest of us how med school classes are. and im so proud of u.
and its gonna be sooooo much fun!
and i cant wait for u to be my primary physician, and OMA my ob/gyn. and cos im cool with all of u, i wont need to pay =)
im so proud of u boo.
and ive stopped crying.
but im still crazily happy for u.

and i went to the milwaukee zoo yesterday with CK and she took this pretty nice pic of me when we were about to leave. and i watched "sisterhood of the traveling pants". totally a chic flick but very very good. made me cry, and laugh, and i could totally relate to what they were saying. and there was a hot greek guy in it which is always a plus =)

socializin

2005-06-17T15:11:00.000-07:00

today's been good.
DA called me at 3:45am (do people realize that time difference is actually a fact of life?) and i was on the phone until past 5. JU called me at about 4am (she just figured i should be up at that time =)). its good talkin with people who mean a lot to u. as we laugh and try to deal with stuff we face, i realize how truly grateful i am for the people i have in my life.
in about an hour i start my first official 'girls nite out' here. itll be CK, M, and i. we'll go out for dinner, see a chic flick, then go for dessert at Ms place. and its cool that ive spent only a week here and ive got friends to go out with. and tomorrow, CK and i will be going to an art fair by the lake which promises to be tons of fun. then on sunday, i'll be hanging with ER one of the interns from my lab and the other interns she lives with.
and as i spend time with people, i hope i add as much to their lives as they do to mine. i think thats y i really appreciate my conversations with DA. i always come out feelin like we're both bringing something to the table. like we're learning from each other, laughin at each other, and dealin with each others problems. and knowin that theres someone over the atlantic who makes a concious effort to pray for one every single day is kinda cool.
so i figure that we should all examine our relationships and see what we bring to them. and we should try to say a word or two of prayer for a friend a day. my mom always says "dont let ur prayers be selfish!" so i guess itll be nice to pick someone each day to interceed for. im a firm believer in the power of prayer to make things happen, so itll be cool to make things happen for all the amazing people we call friends.
and being that im such an amazing friend of urs, (but of course!) i thot itll be kinda sorta cool if i got on ur 'to pray for' list. and, yes, ure on mine
=)

my first thoracotomy!!!!!!!

2005-06-16T10:48:00.000-07:00

oh my word!!!!
today is beyond fantastic!
one of the guys who works in my lab studies the effects of anesthetics. he works with rabbits and i was fascinated when he told me about his experimental methods and stuff. he offered to let me watch the next time he was doing a procedure and, of course, i jumped at the chance.
so i was at work at 6:30am today (yeah, hes one of em early people) and he did 2 rabbits. basic procedure: shave one ear. insert catheter (hollow tube) into exposed vein in ear. inject anesthesia into rabbit thru catheter. rabbit falls asleep. shave neck of rabbit. cut until trachea (breathing tube that goes into lungs) is exposed. cut trachea and insert breathing tube hooked up to respirator. cut carotid (artery near the trachea) and insert smaller catheter for injection of further anesthesia. shave side of rabbit. cut until u get to chest cage. cut between 4th and 5th rib. pull 4th and 5th rib open with clamp to expose thorax (heart and lungs cavity). use gauze to push lungs aside (which collapses lungs which is why the rabbit needs to be on the respirator). cut through pericardium (membrane that encases heart). use surgical needle to make a loop between circumflex and some other artery whose name i dont know. pull thread until piece for EKG is beside heart. use tube to hold in place. take out gauze and allow lungs to fill back up. take blood sample every 30 mins and measure gas concentrations. let anesthesia wear off. wake rabbit and say "thank u kind fellow". use results in operating room and hopefully reduce human mortality during surgeries.
yeah that pretty much is what happens.
but actually watching it happen is an experience out of this world!!!!! watching a beating heart, watching the lungs fill right back up (it truly is a sponge, it looks like ure blowing air into a balloon and seeing it expand), cutting thru muscle while trying to avoid crisscrossing veins, people i cant express the sense of wonder i felt as i watched him do the first one.
and then he asked "would you like to do the 2nd rabbit?"
oh my freakin word!!!!!!!!! i almost died. so instead i just said yes! and i did it, and i didnt shake or or anything. i almost freaked out when i couldnt open the clamp but he was so calm and encouraging that before i knew it, i had exposed the heart and was watching it beat!!!! people, it was a spiritual experience. and i know many of u will find this kinda gross (and i truly apologize) but it was the most amazing thing ever.
and when we were done i almost passed out. lol. i just couldnt believe i had actually done all that. and i didnt kill the rabbit! *feel my relief* and then DA called right after and im there blabbing on about how life is such a beautiful thing while he laughs. it turned out to be a rather intense conversation which spiraled into places angels fear to tread. but it was good. it was very good. and im glad that i was able to deal with 2 super intense, super amazing things in just one morning.
ahhhh yes, today has been good.

havin fun

2005-06-15T16:44:00.000-07:00

my darhlins, will u ever forgive me? its sad that i seem to be averaging 2 posts a week. but my pc isnt set up with internet yet and i hate postin from public computers.
life is great. i absolutely love it here. i live in wauwatosa, a suburb of milwaukee. very picturesque, its the type of place ud want to raise kids in. and the lady i rent from is a dream! at first i thot wed not get along, but yesterday we talked for like 3 hours straight and i know i could definitely live with her for a very long time. she's extremely helpful, drives me to church, grocery store, that kinda thing. makes homemade bread for me and is always lookin for a way to make my life easier. and ive never lived with a person who sooooo appreciated my dishwashing skills. lol. she usually leaves stuff in the sink and i cant pass by without washing them. and she acts like im a gift from above. and the house is only 2 blocks from school. ts all about location people, and i hit the jackpot.
school is even better. im workin on the most amazing project - preconditioning effects of volatile anesthetics. we're studying the effects of how stressing the heart makes it better able to handle greater stress like heart attacks. kinda like 'what doesnt kill u makes u stronger'. and the lady i work with is an absolute darling. shes german, been in the US for almost a decade but we still do the "i dont understand americans" jokes. and shes smart as heck!!!! im reading all the papers i can so that when we discuss the project, what she says doesnt go over my head. and she threw me right into work on the very first day! which was great, but i got slightly terrified at one point cos i had absolutely no clue what she was talkin about. but we get along fantastic and i feel super comfortable with her being my mentor.
i start my next rotation in 3 and a half weeks. i think i know what lab i want to go to. the guy is really good at what he does and everyone in his lab is supernice. he also has a super hot chinese postdoc. *drolls* when i first saw him, i stopped and stared! and everytime i pass him i say "lord, hes beautiful" he looks more korean than chinese and hes like 5'10" with fluffy hair that bounces! heck, my hair doesnt bounce why should his? *green with envy* either that or i'll be going to a lab with one of the coolest experimental setups ive ever seen. i would explain, but it involves mice, and surgery and i might gross u out.
i saw a number of other mstp (program im in) students today at some seminar lunch i went for. its great to see so many people who are passionate about what they do and willing to spend the better part of a decade training to be physician scientists. sorta makes me want to go to the lab and find the cure for aids or something.
in scream worth news: a very good friend of mine has got a girl!!!!! *does im-so-excited dance* ive been praying for this for more than 2 years and i think we found a winner people! i would say who it is but a bunch of u know him and i dont know if im allowed to broadcast the news yet. anyhu, just listening to him talk about her made me realize how weird christians are! he said he woke up yesterday morning and was "blown away by God's goodness". and all i could think was, 'how come guys arent blown away by His's goodness just cos they went on a date with me the day before?' i seriously need to change the type of guys i go out with. lol. anyhu, i think its funny how christians think in that, we are so full of appreciation for God's grace. i mean, its not about the fact that 'uve met the woman of ur dreams', but that 'God led u to the one He has for u and ure so amazed at His love'. which, when u think about it, is not a typical human reaction. as humans we think "ive done good". but being a christian shifts ur perspective to one of "its only by His grace". i think its weird, and i absolutely love it.
finally, i truly love and appreciate my family for all theyve done for me. my trip here was a blast. my bro, uncle, cousin AN, and TMB spent saturday together. we dropped my stuff off at my place, took a tour of my school, went to olive garden, went to see a movie, and just did 'i dont know when next imma see u' stuff. and as they dropped me off at midnight, all i could think was 'i wont have my bro and uncle 30 mins away anymore'. no more place to crash, store my junk, and eat free food. and i wanted to cry. these guys have taken care of me since my first day in this country. especially my bro. i respect him so much. when i tell people i see him as my little daddy, its cos he treats me like im his baby girl and would jump in front of a train for me. so this is for my little daddy whom i love with all my heart: even if God let me pick who i could have as a big brother, i would still choose u.

13-hour road trip =)

2005-06-10T14:03:00.000-07:00

i leave for wisconsin in 5 mins.
im superpsyched!!!!!!
its my bro, uncle, friend TMB and i. and the car we rented totally rocks!
wish me well as i start my new life.
talk to u soon.

lessons learned

2005-06-09T09:04:00.000-07:00

sorry its taken so long since i last posted. i tried writing about my experience with immigration and all but each time the tears would come back. who woulda known it was this hard to write about something u would give ur all to forget.
so i decided that i would limit it to exactly 10 sentences:
arrived in the US sunday evening.
immigration had a problem with the fact that my sevis i-20 (form that schools issue to international students as proof that theyre enrolled and its okay for them to be in the US) was from lincoln which is where i graduated, as opposed to wisconsin where im starting off.
i try explaining that the officer in lincoln had assured me that it was okay to travel with lincoln form and her signature dated a week b4 i left was supposed to be proof of that.
they tear ur my stuff, invalidate my visa, accuse me of forging my wisconsin admission letter, put me in handcuffs and throw me in jail letting me know that theyll be deporting me on the next flight out to nigeria.
i cry my eyes out.
i fight with God.
i make up with God.
my brother calls wisconsin monday morning, they fax over my sevis form, immigration says i still have to leave cos theyve already cancelled my visa.
i pay $250 for a visa waiver form and they let me go after jokin that when i graduate i should be their physician.
i dont need the 10th sentence.

yeah, that pretty much covers it.
i did learn stuff tho. i learned that when u pray, God can either say yes, no, or wait. and that my prayers shouldnt be just about my heart desires, it should also include asking for the strength and grace to deal with whatever answer He gives me. i learned that there were people all over the world praying for me. i am especially grateful to my mom who stayed up all night on sunday interceeding on my behalf. *ok im crying again. crap* i learned that my family will do anything for me - my brother kept on calling everyone everywhere and he didnt stop until i was out. i learned that people have horrible mugshots cos when they fingerprint u, u start crying and tears in pics have never looked good. i learned that its possible to cry from 5pm sunday evening to 3pm monday afternoon. i learned that after tellin u that ure being deported, immigration will ask u why ure crying every 5 minutes. i learned that prison food is no worse than school cafeteria food. i learned that being in handcuffs will mess with ur head. i learned that being a foreigner is one of the worst things that could ever happen to a person. i learned that it is possible to hate a person after only an hour with them. i learned that the will to forgive is simply because of grace from God.
i learned that He will never leave nor forsake me. that His love continually overshadows me. that i am always in His arms even when i feel alone. that adversity will draw u closer to Him. that His grace is sufficient. that even if He never does any other thing for me, i'll still be grateful.

the craziness that is my life .....

2005-06-06T20:59:00.000-07:00

last night was very important. why?
cos i spent it in montgomery county prison.
but im too tired to go into it now.
so instead i give u the post i wrote last week wednesday but couldnt post cos, well, lets just say i had pc issues. ladies and gentlemen:

How crazy is my life exactly? Ooooo! U have no idea.
I suggest u get comfortable, and grab a cuppa; this is gonna take a while.
Last time we spoke I was on my way to Lagos. Ahhhhh, what can I say? The trip was …… interesting. Lagos is, without a doubt, the craziest place on the planet. Abuja is kinda like ur pretty Aunt Jasmin, the delicate, gorgeous aunt that u either want to be when u grow up or want to marry when u grow up. Well, in that case, Lagos is ur crazy Uncle Joe whos crabby, refuses to wash up or do laundry, and brings a gun to family reunions. I cant understand how I lived there! Everywhere just sorta looked old and tired, the drivers are all crazy (one of my uncles said the only way to drive in lagos is to act like ure high on speed and willing to die for right to disobey all traffic laws) and the car horns….. they sound like what the titanic woulda had. Most of the time I spent on the road, my eyes were shut cos I was sure we would either hit or be hit. Yeah, no way am I ever gonna be high enuff to drive in Lagos.
Anyhu, I got there on Monday with Uncle V. His wife comes to pick us up and she is the sweetest nicest person. But shes got a mind of her own which is necessary for dealing with a strong-willed person like my dearest Uncle V. she drops him off at work and takes me to their house in Okokomaiko (say that word people, say that word =)) and I meet my cousin M.D cuuuuuuuute! Hes 2 with a mouth half full of teeth. So whenever he smiles, one cant help but chuckle. and did I say hes cute? I did? Ok. I’ll put up his pic soon so the auction can begin ;-)
Tuesday: I get my hair done. Now I really need to put a pic up. I had 6 people on my head and it took 7 freakin hours!!!!! And this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I have an incredibly large head =) now I understand why they call it a million braids. It sure as heck looks like I’ve got a million on my head. And needless to say, it hurt like crap! Several times I almost burst into tears. And I kept on asking myself “is this truly worth it? shouldn’t I just give up now and tell these people to stop this cruel and unusual punishment?” lord! The pain! Especially the 3 girls in front. They would pick up like 8 strands of hair and pull! Then they would start plaiting and yank my head in all directions. When they were done, I couldn’t lift my head up. I just went home and went straight to bed.
Wednesday: I wake up with a slight headache, but at least I can open my eyes enough to see that the hair looks awesome. Yes, the price of beauty, no? The plan was I would go with my aunt to work and my Uncle A would come pick me up. My aunt works on Allen Avenue which is pretty famous. Its got all the high-brow fashion stores during the day, then the ‘high-brow call girls’ (is that possible) take over at night. So I wait with my aunt while all her male colleagues argue about which of them will drag me down the aisle (they were hilarious!), I browse thru the stores, fall asleep, read, eat,……. Uncle A eventually shows up at 4:30 and takes me to his place. I see my cousin R who, by the way, didn’t change a bit and we catch up on the past 4 years.
At about 10pm, R and I go to buy suya from a place down the road. For non-nigerians, it’s impossible to explain the goodness that is suya. Its like bbq, but a gazillion times better! I don’t know if it’s the spices that r used to make it, or whatever, but it’s awesome. Anyhu, on our way back we see guys running towards us screaming ‘armed robbers! armed robbers!’ *experience my shock* I’m thinking, that’s impossible! U don’t rob people at this time, on a street that is this brightly lit, with so many people around.
And then I hear 2 shots.
U didn’t need to say a word. R and I took to our heels. Now, the logical part of me is thinking “those couldn’t possibly have been gun shots, they were proly from some car that’s backfiring”. However the part of me that would rather not be sent to my parents with a bullet in my back simply said: “RUN!” A woman selling bottles of palm oil trips on a speed bump and her wares come crashing down. So we’ve got oil splashing, pieces of broken glass flying, the sound of feet thumping all over. Now the civilized person in me stops to help the woman whose means of livelihood is gone when another woman grabs me by my arm and says “don’t stop! keep running!” its then that I notice that the woman I was trying to help has already run in front of me, choosing life over money. Oh well…..
After running thru 3 streets in a most inelegant manner, R and I decide that it’s okay to stop. We’re too scared to go back home that way so we take the long route which is at least 4 times longer. By the time we creep into the house, I’m too tired to enjoy the freakin suya.
Thursday: I go to my former schools – University of Lagos (I was a microbiology student there b4 I came to the US) and Queen’s College (my high school). UniLag was great. I went to the medical campus, which is where most of my friends are studying medicine, pharmacy, dentistry, and the like. And I saw a ton of them in their white coats and was sooooo proud of them. I went to QC and saw all my teachers again. It felt so good I almost started weeping. I hate to appear vain, (actually I do ;-)) but Lord knows I looked good that day. lol And they all teased me about how I looked like I was ready to try out for Face of Africa or somin. And I heard all the “ex-QC girl” whispers from students and I wanted to say “but of course! its obvious from the way I carry myself – it’s the QC walk, like the world revolves around me”. Which is true by the way ;-) That evening I went to Victoria Island (one of the few sane places in Lagos) to where I used to live. I saw my Aunt E, and lots of my parents’ friends who adopted me when I was still around. But best of all, I saw my best friend AE. We both went to QC and she’s a final year pharmacy student in UniLag. And the good news is she’ll be coming to Wisconsin to visit me in September!!!!! *jumps around in glee* We talked about all that’s been happening since we spent a week together last summer in Houston. And, as usual, I was struck by the way we live parallel lives. The experiences, hopes, fears, and the like that we share. She’s my other half and I absolutely love her.
Friday: I fly back to Abuja, go to my dad’s office and he says “Go home, DA is coming to the house to see u”
Where do I start from in the story that is my relationship with DA? We lived near each other for the first 9 years of my life. He was like my big bro’s best friend and of all my bros friends he treated me the nicest and I dare say he was the best looking. So I had a huge crush on him. Obviously. Until one day when him and his older brother teased me about my ‘r-factor’. Yep, I was one of those kids who said wabbit, wice, wat, and the like. And they teased me so bad I started crying. I took my poor heart back home and vowed to never let a man make me cry again (right!) and pretty much ignored him after that. We moved to Lagos, he remained tight friends with my bro, they went to the same high school, but he coulda jumped in a lagoon for all I cared. I saw him only twice between when we moved and when I left for the US. Until now.
He shows up that evening and all I could think was “ure the guy from next door?” It wasn’t that his looks improved (which they did), or he became nicer (I doubt he woulda made me cry about the r-factor if I still had it). I guess he had just matured into the kind of man u tell ur parents about. It was good getting to know him again after 11 years of acting like he I’d never met him (don’t tell him I said that). We talked Friday night thru Tuesday morning when he left and we both found it hard to say goodbye. Why? Becos it was like finding the type of person u want to be friends with until ur dying day. We talked about our relationships – with God, family, friends and the opposite sex. There’s a particular relationship I’ve had that was a source of great stress for me that I’ve discussed with a lot of people. But this time around DA asked, “how did it feel?” At first I didn’t understand what he was asking but when he explained exactly what that meant, it was like someone in my head said “finally, we’ve found the right question” Becos by exploring ‘it’ I was able to understand what had held me spell-bound and why the spell had worn off.
I guess u could say it was a mutual counseling marathon session. I think I’ve had some pretty interesting proposals in my life, but its nothing compared to his. There’s this joke in Nigerian colleges that when females are ready to marry, they go to church. The belief is that a God-fearing man is a better husband and father than the guys u go to nightclubs with. It so happens that DA is the coordinator of his campus fellowship and he’s absolutely in love with Christ. He’s also a final year engineering student, with genes ur kids would be proud of. Needless to say, to the marriage-minded female, he’s prime beef. And he’s absolutely terrified. lol. I would crack up as he told me the stuff he deals with. But we would get serious and discuss the mistakes he’s made, where he needs to change, what he needs to do, that sort of thing. We talked about spirituality, and what influenced us to leave mere religion for a real relationship with God. I must say it was good talking with him. So the question is: what is he to me? Well, my darhlings, that’s a post for another day.
He went back to school yesterday threatening to kill me if I ignore him again for the next 11 years. I spent the rest of the day saying goodbye to everyone and then headed off to the airport at about 6pm. I get to the Lufthansa ticket counter, show my passport to the immigration officer and she says “I’m sorry but I can’t let u get on the plane”
WHAT?
Turns out there a problem with my German transit visa. It expired yesterday tho I wouldn’t get to German shores until this morning. And I’m explaining that I had spoken with the consulate officer in D.C when I first got the visa cos it didn’t look right to me either but the lady said I was fine. The immigration officer says “either the consulate woman doesn’t know her job or she’s tryin to get u jailed”. At the mention of the word ‘jail’ I decide I’d rather get an extension than try my luck. Now, visa extensions take about 5 business days (obviously) so I guess my holiday has been extended by about a week now.
My dad was furious! Not like I could blame him. If I had simply shared my doubts about the validity of my visa with him, he would have gotten the extension 3 weeks ago. So on the drive back home I’m silent the entire ride. Why? One word: fear. I’m sitting in front with him, he’s racing home in anger and I know that if he decides to box my ear he won’t miss. It was point-blank range and my dad’s aim is the epitome of perfection.
Anyhu, we get back home in one piece and by this morning we were cool again but I’m still terribly ashamed of myself. And since school officially started today, I’m also really upset. But like I always say “all things work together for good to them that love Him”. Hey, its not all bad – I get to spend more time with my family, enjoy Abuja, and talk more with people like AE and DA.
And that, my friends, is a very good thing.
=)

yipee!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-05-22T13:12:00.000-07:00

I leave for Lagos tomorrow.
Yeah baby!!!!!
Lagos is the city that never sleeps. The land of a thousand lights. Everything good and everything bad is concentrated in Lagos. It’s the center of the crazy life.
And I go there tomorrow morning.
I wouldn’t trade places with anyone right now.
=)

more good news and stuff =)

2005-05-20T13:47:00.000-07:00

My younger bro got into Penn State!!!!
Being that PSU is one of the schools at the top of his list, I’m sooooooo happy! =)
As u know, I’m super super proud of u boo.
=)

I just finished replying a friend of mine. I’m totally in love with her and her boyfriend. They’re like the sweetest, coolest people you’ll ever meet. But more importantly they’re good together and good to each other. Anyhu, she wrote me about her man’s walk with God. I can’t even describe how moved I was. And I wondered about the last time I was that involved in the spiritual life of a guy I dated.
I remember the last guy I took an active interest in with his relationship with God was my ex-boyfriend. And we broke up 3 years ago! So why wasn’t I that moved about all the guys I’ve dated since then? I’ve been with a youth pastor, an agnostic, and everything in between and I just refused to get involved. Okay, that’s not true. I was very involved with the agnostic and God, which has something to do with how we got close enough to start dating and all. But with all the rest, I was kinda like ‘I’ll pray for you everyday but wont bug you’. My ex once called me a nag (the horror!) which has made me super wary of bothering people about anything really. And I get very excited about God so I’m scared that I’ll come off as the freaky girl who’ll not leave the dude alone. And I think Christians like that hardly ever get their point across. I’m a firm believer in ‘let your life be the bible people read’. If the way I live doesn’t show that my heart is firmly in His hands (and invariably lead you to Him), then I have no business talking to any guy about Him. And believe me, my life is sometimes a very torn and tattered bible, so maybe I really shouldn’t have ever said I was a Christian so they don’t think we’re all as un-Christian as I’ve been known to act!
Anyhu, I would habitually ask the guy about his relationship with God but that’s just to better gauge his heart position so I’ll know how to fashion my prayers. But to sit down and have an in-depth conversation ……. nah. And perhaps that was wrong. I’m not so convinced my silence was that golden. And I most definitely never emailed my friends about it who would have joined me in prayer. And I’ve got tons of friends who woulda gladly prayed with me!
So even as I pray for my lovely couple, I’ll be asking for forgiveness for the attitude I adopted with all em guys (ok they weren’t as many as i make it sound. just cos i say all doesn’t mean i’ve dated a million men. and even if i have, we won’t discuss it ;-)). And I’ll pray that whomever they end up with will be better for them than I was.
Do you ever wonder about your exs? Ever think about the mistakes you made, the great times you had together, the ways they pissed u off, the ways they made u fly, the Kodak moments…… all that stuff. I dunno how moved you were about them and God, but it’ll be great if you said a prayer for them today.
So in my newfound attitude of being involved: how, my darhlin, is your walk with God?

good news and stuff

2005-05-19T12:35:00.000-07:00

My younger bro got into howard!!!!!!
Im so proud of u boo
=)

Nothing big happening here. Was supposed to head off to Lagos tomorrow. But I don’t think that’s gonna happen which kinda sucks cos I woulda gone to villa with Uncle A. oh well, we’ll see what happens.
Just finished talking with …… I guess u could call him a friend. We sorta have history but that aint the point. I think its interesting tryin to figure out how people are going to make themselves come off as. U know “well, since we last talked ive become a playa, ive given my heart to God, im as good as married, im official counselor for all my friends” that kinda thing. He came off as “im the original ladies man, boo.” I thot it was hilarious! Oh well, we’re going out tomorrow so we’ll see if he lives up to it and if his many women fawn over him the entire time. I’ll let u know how it goes.
So the question is: how do people see u? And when u haven’t seen someone in eons what 2nd first impression do u give him or her? I sometimes come off a lil crazy. I say crap and laugh the entire time. But its fun, and it gives me good memories. But I wonder if people read me wrong. My self-confidence could come off as a humongous ego. Im assertive and that might be seen as aggressive. I smile all the time and laugh at the slightest thing and that may be seen as a lack of seriousness. I generally lavish compliments; if there’s something about u I think is laudable, I say it at once. Whether its ur smile, ur shirt, ur attitude, I’ll praise u to highest heavens about it. And that’s sometimes read as “I dig u so much right now”.
So how do we correct these impressions? I personally just pray that people read my right all the time. Which is slightly naïve but that’s okay. Im OG, and I get whatever I want.
Ok, maybe that was closer to ego than self-confidence.
But that’s okay cos - yes, you got it right - the world still revolves around me.
=)

i wonder....

2005-05-17T13:13:00.000-07:00

Ever wondered about decisions uve made?
U know, the doubts that sometimes wreck havoc with ur beliefs and convictions, at least as regards ur past, ur future, the things u hold dear to u. it hardly ever used to happen to me. One of my mandates is “be remorseful but never regret”. so I pretty much decide what I’ll do differently next time but don’t beat myself with a stick about what I did wrong. And I never start a sentence with “I regret”……
Until recently.
I guess ive grown to the point where there are certain things I regret. Sort of. Things I most definitely would do over in a heartbeat. If God would let me. But doubts hardly ever reach the oh-so-sacred ground of “what I want to be when I grow up”. I want to be a cardiothoracic surgeon. This is where I feel He is calling me. Yeah I know it sorta limits me in the long run. I mean, I wont be coming back home to work unless I already have the position in a hospital waitin for me. Cos Nigeria isn’t so big on tertiary care. Not many people are lining up for heart surgery. Call it diet, lifestyle, whatever. So even tho we have heart surgeons practicing here, we don’t have positions opening up everywhere.
But I was watching a program on tv today about a tiny Kenyan village on the east coast of lake Victoria. For infants, tuberculosis and malaria are infections as common as air. And I can relate. Ive had malaria more times than I wish to recount. And the program talked about kids that come into the clinic with advanced malaria whove become anemic. Now u and I have a Hb count of 12 - 15. these kids had less than 2. the whole concept of a living human with 2, makes no sense. So the kids ‘crash’ which is basically collapse, loose consciousness, u get the picture. So they have to be transfused with blood immediately or we can say bye-bye. But they are so anemic, their vessels have collapsed and the physician couldn’t find a vein to start the iv. So I see this 2 year old with a needle in his head cos the only vein the physician found was on his shaved skull.
It gets worse. It’s a poor village where 1 in 4 adults is infected with hiv. Their lab is antiquated so the hiv testing is shady at best. The cdc across town has some US technology where u can do the test with results after an hour but it costs 40 dollars. These people live on 40 dollars a year! No way can they afford the test. So whats the doc to do? If she doesn’t infuse, 20% of the kids she sees will die within 24 hours. If she does, 15 - 20% of them will get blood infected with hiv.
She infuses the 6 kids shes got. Sadly, by the next morning, 2 of them were dead.
It so happens that my cousin Y woke up this morning blazing with a fever.
As I wipe her down and give her her medicine, I think of the kids in villages all over Africa who cant afford medicine. I think of parents who can only pray that the fever passes. I think of those who get so sick that they have to go to a doc and their parents have to watch as an iv gets put in their kid’s head. I think of those who don’t wake up the next morning.
And I wonder why I want to be a fancy shmancy surgeon. Wont I do more good as an infectious disease specialist? I mean, I know I’ll join doctors without borders and do surgeries in 3rd world countries where people cant afford the cost. But it still doesn’t feel like enough. The number of people who need heart surgery in Africa is like a drop of water in the ocean of people who cant afford primary care. Every 30 seconds, a kid somewhere in the world dies of malaria. Think of the kids whove died since u started reading this.
Its on days like this that I wonder about my future. My callin. My love for surgery.
Its on days like this that I cry.

home again =)

2005-05-15T11:43:00.000-07:00

As the plane landed I looked out the window and saw trees. Lots of them. And I wondered “florida doesn’t mix their palm trees with other types of trees but here they are all mixed. Its really pretty tho. They should have done it a long time ago”. And then it clicked to me. This isn’t florida! Im in port-harcourt! Im home!!! And its freakin beautiful =)
My flight home was from philly to frankfurt to port-harcourt to abuja. Contrary to popular opinion, it was actually great. I wasn’t mad at my dad anymore and traveling with my sis is always a pleasure. The drive home was my first real taste of Nigeria since I left home 4 years ago. I cant even describe it! Abuja is beautiful! And it’s the city that proves oxymorons are very possible. Ive never seen sooooooo many contrasting things juxtaposed. The rustic and developed in harmony. Living in the US sorta makes u feel that development gets rid of nature. So ull have only a few token trees in a bustling metropolis. But Abuja is different. Its almost as if developers cut down only the trees right on site and leave everything else. Anyhu I was talking about contrasts. My parents live in Maitama which has mansions everywhere u turn. But for every mansion, there are tiny quarters beside it. For every bmw cruising down the road, theres an old bike (aka okada) that’s tearing down the street at breakneck speed. And as skyscrapers tower into the heavens, theres a rock off in the distance proving man will never build high enough. It awes me everytime I go outside.
Anyhu, I get home and see the rest of my family. My mum comes to the car and her and my sister start a hugging and screaming session. Why? Cos they hadn’t seen each other in 2 weeks. Oh the horror! *rolls eyes* so of course I refuse to get out of the car until she screams for me. Yeah, nothing I like going home to bring out the kid in u again. Then I meet my cousins who live with us. Y will be 5 next month and R is three. Y is like the prettiest child on the planet. Well, its between her and my sister. But R’s beauty is different. I look at her and all I can think is ‘sultry’. Shes the type thatll make men pee in their pants when she smiles at them. I feel so sorry for my parents. lol. When these 3 bombs reach date-able age no one will be able to sleep without locking every door and window. Then theres my baby bro. Well, hes 17 so I guess baby doesn’t apply anymore. Hes all grown up now. wears grey contacts and designer shirts. And all I can think is “the minute u come over for college im selling u and them broad shoulders to the highest bidder” ;-)
Its funny to see the ways in which my sister is exactly like me. She thinks she can smile her way out of everything. Each time she’s naughty she smiles and twiddles with her fingers. Whenever she does it I want to scream “I invented the smile! It aint gonna help u now”. lol. Y gives u doe eyes while R yells until u beg her to stop. And I feel inclined to tell the first two that if their necks are ever on the line, its safer to rely on their brains. U know, “don’t be pretty, be smart! Now go learn ur multiplication tables!” ahhhh, nothing like going home to bring out the parent in u. I think R brings out the most of the mothering instincts in me. She follows me around everywhere and either holds my leg or makes me carry her. Shes officially become my lil handbag =) And I met my Aunt P who wears saris all the time. We’ve both decided that I’ll steal all her clothes b4 I leave. Well, I decided that and she agreed. Ok, she didn’t agree. But that’s not the point.
Its good to be back. All the memories keep flooding in. Certain flowers u thot ud never see again. And the smells!!! Oh my word. You forget how good home food is until u smell again. My nostrils feel born again ;-) and everything, (even cereal!) tastes better here. And its hot! Whoo! But a good type of hot, not summer-in-america-im-sticky-and-cant-breathe typa hot. But im biased, this is where I grew up. And of course there are the accents! There are more than 250 ethnic groups in Nigeria and everyone has their different dialects and accents. Before I left home, I was an English snob. U know, if we’re speaking English please lets leave our accents behind cos theres no need for people to be able to figure where we’re from. But now I get excited when I hear accents. Its like a game – figure out what this random guy is “ooooooo, hes Ibo, or Hausa, or that’s a Calabar man, or shes a proper Bini girl, or that kid’s Yoruba or that family is either Urhobo or Itsekiri”. Im almost tempted to go up to them to ask if im right. And its good to have guys opening doors for me when I go out (take that all u American men!!!) and people smiling hello when u pass them on the street. And everyone is just nice and decent. But maybe that’s cos this is Abuja. We’ll see what happens when I get to crazy Lagos.
I went to work with my dad a few days ago. U know, the ‘this is my daughter I talk about all the time’ showing. I must admit it was fun cos everyone there is supercool. And I still don’t get what it is that draws females to my dad. The minute he came in, 6 secretaries came into his office and all I could hear was “Uncle T this, Uncle T that”. And they talked about all the men in their lives and all I could think was “not again….” lol. They were so cool. And they showed me everything and everyone. And then plied me with food. By the time I get back, I’ll surely have gained a hundred pounds.
Oooooooo some guy asked me out yesterday. He suggested a jazz show at some fancy shmancy hotel. I took one look at the price for admission and knew no way was I going to let a guy shell out that amount on me. Not like im tryna owe some guy any favors. Which was kinda sad cos he was mad cute =( oh well, better luck next time ;-)
I hope u guys are all doing great. Thank u TA for callin me =) I heart u. and thx for the letter u sent me TO. As I said before, im heeding all u warned me about. For now. heres to spirit of memories past, and to memories we’ll all make tomorrow =)

my own teddy bear

2005-05-09T08:01:00.000-07:00

today i leave for nigeria.
that would be a really good thing if today wasnt officially horrible. but it is. i went to bed mad at my brother and my dad. lets just say i hate it when people try to micromanage my life. i woke up still mad cos the first voice i heard was my dad gettin on my case again. lets just say he still hasnt gotten off.
all in all its been really stressful cos i keep on holding back all the smart comments ive felt like unleashing cos if i dont i might not live to see the sun rise. and ive been doing breathing excercises all day cos its the only way to get rid of this pent up fury.
my sister woke up a few minutes ago. i was right by her on the bed, holding a teddy bear that i had received 2 years ago and im trying to figure out whether to throw it out or pack it in storage ready to be sent to wisconsin. and we sorta just stare at each other, my sister and i. and just as i was wishing i could be her age again so i dont have to deal with crap, she seizes my waist in her version of a bear hug and says "ure my own teddy bear"
and just like that, my day is good again.

its a boy!!!!!!

2005-05-07T20:55:00.000-07:00

y'all didnt know i was pregnant right?

gotcha!!
hehe
my aunt R gave birth to a boy yesterday! and hes big. 8lbs 14 oz. 19.75". and the cutest face uve ever seen =)
and his hair! oh my word. i was green with envy. ive never seen so much hair on a day old. and hes adorable. and my cousin. and all the girls will have to pay me to see him. hehe
and im sooooo happy =)

i see beautiful people

2005-05-05T20:39:00.000-07:00

do u see them too?
thats the phrase people im my school (former school i should say =)) know me by. but it doesnt apply all the time. however, today i saw beautiful folks in the most unlikely places.
i went to dc today to get my german transit visa. in how many languages can u say 'stress'? the interview itself was great. it was barely a minute, i gave her my documents, she read thru them, asked for the fee and that was it. however, the circumstances surrounding the interview were pure hell. i was trying to do too much at the last minute and i paid dearly for it. but hey, its all good.
after it was all done, i found a quite spot, finished the book from yesterday and just stared into space talking with my Father. my train back home was scheduled to leave at 4 so i figured i should start heading back to union station at about 3. i eventually find a taxi and when i tell him where im headed he looks at me like im crazy. then he says "lemme drop u at the nearest metro station and u can find ur way from there." what? r u serious? but i was just too tired to argue and i didnt know when the next cab would show so i figure, better the devil u know, than the devil that doesnt show up. so i pretend im reading hoping he wouldnt start a conversation (yes, im ashamed to admit i do that too)
next thing i know, he stopping to pick another passenger. hello? im still in the back seat! turns out the guy on the street was going in the opposite direction. cabbie then makes a totally non-PC comment about him that was hilarious. im ashamed to say that i laughed. then he says "ure nigerian, right?" u coulda hit me with manolos! is it written on my forehead now? obviously i wanna know how he knew. and bb ud better believe this but he said "its ur beauty". people, if i could blush...... and im thinking, 'ure lucky im nigerian cos if i wasnt that would not have been funny'. anyhu, we had fun the rest of the way. we laughed about everything and he told me about his trip to nigeria (im assuming thats when he became an expert at recognizing beautiful nigerian women *swoon*). and when we were all done, im trying to pay and he said "nah. this one is on me". people, i was touched. i had a relatively horrid day, and this sweet guy who has made me laugh doesnt want me to pay for what is rightfully his. there are beautiful people in this world.
at the metro station, i bought my ticket, got on the train and promptly trashed the ticket. turns out that to get out of the station, i needed to swipe the ticket again. so i go to the booth hoping that the guy in there was in a good mood. i explain my situation and he says "well, u dont need the ticket. u just wont leave the station". *see the shock in my eyes* he continues "i hope ur sweeping skills are top notch cos ure gonna have to clean the station as u dont have a ticket" *see the absolute horror that has taken over my facial features* then he leans right into me and says "happy birthday. but ur birthday comes only once a year. dont let me get u without a ticket again" then he smiles. i dont know whether to kick him or laugh. so instead, i thank him profusely. i see beautiful people. do u see them too?
today i met 2 beautiful men who made my day. i see that all it takes is one kind gesture for u to make everything alright for some random person. a nice word for someone's rainbow to appear.
be a beautiful person today.
i intend to be.
and its got nothing to do with the fact that im nigerian =)

when life and art meet

2005-05-04T20:02:00.000-07:00

first off, to all my loves who gave me graduation gifts: grosses bisous!!!!!!!
and now, todays news. im reading a book "could i have this dance?" by a physician, harry kraus.
people, it scares me!
the protagonist is totally me. a christian who struggles with the vows she made to God. she's a surgery resident that struggles with the attitudes of her fellow surgery residents. she's engaged to a fellow christian who is turning out to be not so christ-like. well, thats not exactly me cos im not engaged but check my dating history, more often than not, guys i fall for are not crazy about Christ. and the more i read, the more im convinced that this is stuff i'll face. there was this part she was talking about sexual purity and how its turning out to be extremely hard to keep the promises she made. and im screaming "tell God! tell Him so He knows there are many of us out there!" and shes depressed by the backstabbing that goes on with her fellow residents. and i totally get that. i wanna be a surgeon. and surgeons are generally the most cold, unfeeling, as-close-to-heartless-as-a-warm-blooded-person-can-get physicians u will ever meet. which is the exact opposite of who i am - at least thats what everyone tells me ;-) and im almost positive i'll clash with someone whos tryin to step on me to get to the top. and she talks about how shes so busy that prayer has become a rarity. her fiance doesnt understand why she works so long. and im like "yes!" i honestly think the only guy wholl understand the hours i'll have to work will be a fellow physician. and i worry about having kids wholl think im an aunt who visits thrice a week. but the scariest thing is, for the most part, she reacts like me. every 2 minutes i scream "i woulda done that too!" but dont worry, i scream rather gracefully ;-)
so ive decided to be grateful for the fact that MA gave this book to me. its forcing me to face aspects of my life that id rather shove under the carpet. its a great book. i love it and cant wait to see how it ends. i definitely should read more books like this.
when literature throws the stuff u need to pray about in ur face, thats a very good thing.

summa cumma what! what!

2005-05-02T20:38:00.000-07:00

so this was the weekened i got my BA.
*ecstatic applause*
thank u! thank u! ure too kind =)
lemme run thru everything. friday was the day of the honors program 'rites of passage'. its kinda like an induction into adulthood. i had mad fun. and i realized that its friends who make it all worth it. MK was the one who drove me to school even tho i made her late. i left my wallet at home so when my sister got hungry, TO not only took her out to lunch, he also paid for it. i thot we were going to wear traditional african attire thruout but it turns out i was wrong. we were supposed to start out with formal clothes and the honors blazer. and of course, i had come to school in jeans and i dont own the blazer (it cost 60 flippin bucks!) so FO gave me clothes to wear (its fantastic having a sister whose clothes u can wear and is willing to let u wear them!) and S let me rock one of the blazers they had in the honors office.
the program itself was beautiful! it was a truly sweet and intimate affair. and we all got to say a pledge (to forever and ever be the excellent individuals that we are, blah, blah, blah), write our names in the honors book and light candles. and i looked at all my friends there - JU, VD, TM, MK, FO, TO, JO, AF, SW, and all the crazy people who put up with me for 4 years. and i felt good. =) at the end, we all got plaques and TO, VD and i got additional plaques for being 'outstanding'. hehe. if only they knew, right? ;-) then TO and i talked about life in the honors program. and i realized that TO is excellent when it comes to public speaking (who woulda thunk it!!) he had them laughing, he had them crying, he had them thanking God for the honors program. and of course, yours truly brought it ;-) then dr. babatunde, the honors program director talked about how we are now adults and we need to move out of our parents homes, start paying our bills, and stopping begging folks for money.
anyhu, twas fun. made me proud of the fact that im an honors student.
saturday was fun cos my cousins MA and LO were here. and its fantastic just hangin with babes ur age ure absolutely in love with. u guys are the bestest cousins ever!
sunday was the big day! the baccalaureate service was at 10am. i was doing the scripture reading so i got to sit at the altar which was kinda cool. anyhu, it was a fantastic service. dr green our chaplain brought it! she talked about trust, leaning on, and acknowledging God. fantastic!
the commencement ceremony itself was at 1:30pm on the field. all the natural sciences graduates waited in the rec room of the gym where we got honors cords and the like. and we got cards with our names that showed if our diplomas had been recieved and whether we were graduating with honors, and stuff like that. and cmon, u know ur gpa so u know what ure graduating with. but actually seeing that card with my name on it and 'summa cum laude' almost made me cry. so instead i started a crazy dance where i was singing "summa cumma what! what!" yes, im still entertaining people everywhere i go =)
anyhu, at 1:30 all the graduates proceeded to field and we all walked down the aisle like we were getting married or somin. yeah, im marrying my degree alright! take that all the men i tried to drag down the aisle. lol. speeches, speeches, concert choir sings (i see u JO and DD), speeches, speeches, speeches, gov'nor rendell gives the commencement address (nice!), speeches, and then the VP of academic affairs announced the valedictorian. and my baby TO stood up. *insert tears* and i cheered and screamed for all i was worth. then he gave his valedictory address. and he totally rocked!!! now TO, FO, TA, MA and i are like the closest friends ever and we call ourselves the 'circle of five'. and as he was giving the address he said thanks to all the folks who had his back like cicle of five, his band of brothers, and i clearly didnt hear the rest of the sentence cos FO and i started screaming 'hes thanking us!!!!!' lol. ahhhh, such fun we had. anyhu, it was a beautiful speech that made me determined to be the best i could ever be. good job boo. then the VP announced that this year, cos my class is simply a bunch of super smart people we have 2 salutatorians. and then he said my name! *feel the rush of blood to my head* and i stood up, turned around, gave them my dazzling smile and did the queen wave that i perfected during my reign as miss lincoln university *hear the cheers baby, hear the cheers* ahhhhh. and of course, cos the elements felt the need to acknowledge me, as i sat down, the wind snatched my graduation cap right off my pretty head. yes, i'll be entertaining folks till the day i die. then the VP called the second name, JU!!!! yeah baby! =) and i screamed my head off.
anyhu, the graduates then got to march across the stage to get our diplomas. and when it got to my turn. wow! i cant express it. it was kinda like, yes! i finally done done it! all the sweat, and tears, and all-nighters. its finally done. im a graduate and im getting my freakin diploma. now worship the ground i graduate on. yeeeessssss! when we were all done. we got to march down the aisle again with the camera flashes everywhere. yes, graduating gives u an 'im a celebrity'-complex.
and then the partying began. of course i had my entire family from nigeria, delaware, maryland, georgia, pennsylvania, and of course ohio (see TA ure fam =)). and my aunt J cooked to feed an army! JU, VD and i combined parties, took over a lounge and invited all our friends to eat. and i took off my graduation gown. and all my aunts started with "its ur day, so we're not going to talk about the length of that skirt". which was cool with me =) hey, its a white suit, i look formal, and hot at the same time! i sure as heck aint complaining =)
anyhu, the long and short of this epistle is: somewhere in this world, theres a diploma that says 'BA in Biology and Computer Science; Highest Honors'.
and its got my name in it.

love of my life and other tales....

2005-04-28T22:42:00.000-07:00

this, my friends, is the lady who stole my heart - my baby sister. that pic was taken yesterday on the way back from the airport after wed picked her and my dad. and in the space of 24 hours, i have come to realize that she is exactly me. well, perhaps a more amplified version actually. we talk alike, react the same way, scream like wild banshees, adore takin pics and being photographed, constantly seek the aesthetically pleasing, are sucked in by tv, and are saved from being the greatest narcissists alive simply by the crazy love and mutual admiration we have for each other. yes indeedy, she a babe after my own heart.
anyhu, its been fantastic!!!! its fun rediscovering everything about each other (kids change a lot in 4 years. who woulda thunk it!) she wants to be a news anchor (watch out paula zahn) and we've already made a video of her doing a segment. and she is the sweetest person ever. and she thinks i walk on water. which i do. of course. and im going to put up pics of her everyday until the 8th so get used to it! lol. i love u boo....oh yeah, shes hilarious. says the craziest things. but i love it even more when i make her laugh. "music to my ears" is the phrase that comes to mind =)
so im done with school. yay! final final finally finished. graduation is sunday. got what im wearing. i think my dad will flip when he sees it cos its kinda sorta short. kinda like skirt-is-inches-above-knee-level short. my excuse is "i own it; im definitely gonna wear; i might as well wear it now" i'll let u know if he lets that one fly.
i need to get a german transit visa. arrrgghh. the horrors associated with traveling! im going home via frankfurt. anyone know any good german traditions i should do during my extremely short stay there? it still hasnt really hit me that im going home. i still havent called any of my friends to let them know im coming. why? im not sure. but im kinda scared. im different. theyre different. we might not click the way we once did. and i dont want to deal with that type of disappointment. id rather remember how u rocked my world than to see that ure no longer a part of it. u know? oh well.... itll all work out. we'll proly get along smashingly! *crosses everything*
so i spend 3 weeks at home. get back to the states, and immediately head up to wisconsin. itll be time to start my new life and im totally looking forward to it. but with each passing second i spend with my sister, something hits me more and more - our need to be grateful for the beautiful people who made the lives we once had special.

after we'd calmed down and temporarily stopped screaming =)

thats my sexy daddy!!! lol

my baby

strugglying to lift a babe who is exactly half my weight.

this is the first pic she took of me so i absolutely love it. obviously.

thats ms voltron to u!

2005-04-23T20:53:00.000-07:00

remember that cartoon? voltron, defender of the universe! i loved it. watched it all the time. i guess i really liked it cos i have now become it.
but being voltron doesnt always end like in the cartoon. ive tried to protect someone in a weird typa way. and i almost got found out today (perhaps i did, who really knows). and i have a feelin she'll kill me becos of it.
so my question is: do the things u do to save everyone ever put u in trouble? and have u ever felt like maybe u should relax with ur superhero complex? i feel that almost everyday. sometimes ive felt like praying that God should make me a bit heartless and unfeeling. u know, have the ability to look the other way sometimes. not every battle is mine. i shouldnt try to save the world everyday.
but ive come to realize something. my voltron complex is an integral part of the person i am. making other people's lives better makes me feel good. does that mean that unless im a superhero every second i wont be happy? no. it simply means that it makes my already full cup of joy overflow.
so ive got a new prayer. that i'll have the discretion to know when i should save the world and to know when my shift is over so i can leave the problem for the next voltron who comes on duty. i cant do God's work for Him. but i can help out whenever He calls me.
so lets make a promise to ourselves (cmon itll be fun =))
that we'll discover the beauty of being sources of comfort each and everyday.
and the just as great beauty thats inherent in letting others be that source.

im still not done =(

2005-04-22T17:31:00.000-07:00

hello my luvlies,
how long has it been? 7 years? 10? eons and eons? yeah it feels that way.
life has been......beautiful....crazy....bliss.....pure agony. ive laughed, ive cried, ive been hurt, ive hurt, ive been crushed, ive given up hope, ive been livid, ive been rude, ive been broken, ive been built up.....
and thats just today.
i just got done with finals week. did u say congratulations? why thank u. but im not done yet =( yeah, ive got one more final monday at 8:30am. yeah, my life sucks. my finals were.....interesting. philosophy was better than i could hoped for. discrete math was blah. no A+ there but i might be able to pull in an A. french was murder. merde! that guy was out to destroy. funny thing is, the hard part was a breeze for me. its the easy part that got me. i couldnt remember spellings for all the tea in china. and what can i say, language is nothing if not spelling. put the wrong accent somewhere and u end up sayin somin entirely different.
had my database management practical today. now, if i had any sense i woulda done this i dunno, six weeks ago! but of course, my middle name is procrastination. so my teacher called me into his office yesterday. he very nicely reminded me of how i had begged to go to antarctica without finishing the course. and how i had promised to finish up this semester. and how wow! the semester is over!!! so he gave me 3 options.
- get a C- in the class so i can graduate without having to come back to take it
- do the practical tomorrow (ie. today) and the final monday morning.
- dont remember what the 3rd option was.
he then proceeded to state his intense disappointment. he calmly said i should not even dream of getting an A from him cos what i did was "unforgivable". i was sooooooo ashamed of myself. the unforgivable part got to me and i just wanted to cry and beg him to pretend all this never happened. this is a guy im totally in love with. u know, one of those teachers u would do anything to please. cos hes just a fantastic guy and the personification of the phrase 'excellent teacher'. the type that if he had a son ur age ud throw urself at him in the hopes that he was as cool as his dad. what? thats just me? oh.
anyway, i did the practical today. i dont know how i feel about it. i should be studying for my monday final but im still trying to get my project finished cos im supposed to present it to him on monday. life could be better.
i called the schools that my bro is applying to for undergrad to check on the status of his application. bad news all over. cmon how hard is it to figure out that the transcript is the sealed white envelope with the registrar's stamp on it? arrrghhhh! and all this while his applications have been marked incomplete. i can just see all that sweet scholarship money walking on by cos of other people's incompetence. i got sooooo worked up with some smart ass who thot he knew everything. hello!?!?!?! i went to high school in nigeria. i know what the school leaving exam is and i know u get only a certified true copy form ur school when u do it! dont try to tell me about what i did myself! arrrrggghhhh! i hate it when people argue that they know all about the world i lived in when theyve proly never even left the freakin east coast of this country.
so i called a bunch of schools, heard the same thing over and over. and all i can think is "scholarships for international students go early. im screwed" and then the guilt settles in. its all my fault. i shoulda called the schools a long time ago. i just figured that since i sent all the stuff they asked for, there wouldnt be a problem. thats what happens when u think schools are the epitome of efficiency. then TO comes to help with a database problem i had and it hits me: my exam is in 30 mins and im so upset i cant think straight. so of course, i started crying. poor TO. guys are really really uncomfortable around sobbing females and lets just saying sobbing doesnt even describe what i was doing. anyhu, i go to the bathroom, saw my puffy unbelievably red eyes, tear streaked face and immediately started wailing.
when i come out eventually, im normal again, all business, lets show this practical who's boss. TO said somin about how he doesnt understand me: one minute im a crying baby and the next im superwoman. yes! im a super-sexy-baby-now-goddess-next-rock-star! now bow down and worship the ground i blog on!!! =)
anyhu, i dont really mind the exams. its just annoying cos i planned to go to lewes this weekend to see PU, LK, BC, RM, R the sexy netherlands guy, and all the cool folks there. and LK had already planned how she'd organize a bbq the night i get there and i planned to flirt with BC (bri'ish-guy-who-speaks-french-i'll-proly-have-a-crush-on-even-after-im-married-with-kids) till his head began to spin. and of course, PU and i woulda had a blast! but ive got a final monday morning i aint ready for so we can say goodbye to all that. nooooooooooooo!
in super news, i get to see my dad and baby sister next wednesday!!!!! im sooooooooo stoked. and it looks like i'll be going back home with them. talk about the best graduation present ever! =)
by the way, i want a graduation present from all of u!
ok i gotta go back to work. thot id give u guys the link to an article KH wrote for the paper he used to work for b4 he decided to go the Ice. its an excellent article and its got pics of some of the people who made my time there beautiful click here

rhapsodies of love

2005-04-15T18:08:00.000-07:00

ive got this thing that i do every evening.
when im done with class, and work, and dinner, and all that good stuff, i go to the fitness trail in my school. it's right at the edge of campus, next to the main road on one side, fields on the other. its at that time when the sun is about ready to set. and its a beautiful and quiet place cos most of the fitness-minded folks at my school are in the gym then flexing em biceps. so i go to this beautiful quiet place and walk along the trail. its not super long or anything. it takes me 20 minutes to stroll thru it.
and i pray.
its my chance to talk to Him. i tell Him my dreams, i tell Him my fears, i tell Him the crazy thots running thru my head. and i talk out loud - a soliloquy to my Maker. the trail is my stage, and He is my audience. i tell Him all the conversations i had, all the conversations i need to have, all the conversations i wish i had. and i listen to see what thots He puts in my head in return.
i realized that i wasnt praying as i should. thats why i started this. for the most part, dinner is the only meal that i unfailingly have. so i put my time with Him after one of the few constants i have in my life. and it works. i havent missed any session since i started and im really pleased about it.
and ive come to see that thats the way we should deal with life. we all have things we wish to do - spend more time with those we love, call home more often, do projects without procastinating, whatever it is. ive found that an easy way to get it all done is to schedule it around the constants in my life. but what has become even more obvious to me is the fact that i love spending time in my Father's arms. with Him im allowed to be a child. He doesnt mind if i just want to sulk and be petulant. He doesnt care if i just want to spend time laughing about everything. He lets me cry when i feel my heart is about to break.
today i cried to Him. and then i told Him about a conversation i wish i had the strength to have. and when i was done, He showed me that when the time comes, He'll not only give me the strength, He'll give me the words too. He reminded me that His grace is sufficient for me.
i scheduled time for my rhapsodies with Him cos i wasnt spending enuff time in His presence. it was kinda like "stop making me feel guilty God. here, ive scheduled u in. happy now?"
but im the one who's happy now. He keeps me sane. He lets me be free. He lets me let go of all my pent-up emotion. He lets me be me. He sees my frailty, my flaws, and my faults. and He still loves me. (what would i do for a man like that. lol) and thru His constant, unwavering love for me, im allowed to love myself too.
and each and every single day, i fall more and more in love with Him.

flippin brilliant!!!!!

2005-04-13T20:41:00.000-07:00

just saw this site.
anagram genius
pure genius people. best anagram site ive seen thus far. i put in the name of my blog, and then my name and these are my results:
~antarctic annals and beyond: on tyrannical, bad ascendant
(yes im slightly tyrannical, always the ascendant, but bad? me? hehe)
~first and last name: good! a humane guinea
(lol)
~first, middle, and last name: injured egomania. a toughie
(yes im a toughie but my egomania is never injured!)
~first, middle, other, and last name: i am a junior, ageing ahead make out
(make out? i get to make out with someone? yes!!!!!)
and my personal favorite,
~im freakin sexy: examine frisky
rotfalmcao!
thx to mrs mogul for the site.
now u guys go do urs and tell me what ur anagrams are.
c'mon itll be fun!

i can see the finish line....

2005-04-13T19:52:00.000-07:00

..... and Lord knows it looks good!
by friday i will be done with my classes as an undergrad!
yi-flippin-pee!!!
hehe. sorry. ive always wanted to say that.
anyhu, how've i been? okay i guess. i aint complaining. life is an adventure and i wake up each morning eager to see where itll take me. at least thats my story and im sticking with it.
seriously, im good. im alive. and im supergiddy about the fact that im almost done.
but enuff about me. how have u been? when last did we talk? when last did i tell u that i love u? when last did i say that u rock my world? when last did i whisper in ur ear and say im glad ure in my life?
its been a while?
kindly accept my sincerest apologies.
i love u.
u rock my world.
im glad ure in my life.
thank u for the way u make me a better person.
=)
in great news: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO!!!!!!!
what can i say?
u are truly dear to my heart. we've had this crazy relationship thats been thru all the cycles any relationship could possibly go thru. and i absolutely love where we are right now. ure my brother. my friend. and i know u want me but who doesnt? hehe. *dont u dare cuss me out for that one. God is listening*
anyhu, i just wanted u to know that when i look at u, i see an awesome christian who wants to be the best man he can possibly be. guess what? u already are.

all things work together for good.

2005-04-11T18:37:00.000-07:00

its been one of them days.
but He knew so He primed me for it. but i still feel so drained.
i pulled an all-nighter yesterday. my immunology paper was due today so i said 'either i sleep and dont turn it in' or 'i get the flippin thing done and tell sleep to shove off'. i guess we all know what i went with. i did get the paper done but the only sleep i got was from 7:10 to 7:20 and then 8:10 to 8:43. not the best thing i coulda done for myself. but as i woke up at 8:43 and began to recite all the reasons i needed to go for my 9 o'clock class, i felt i just had to turn on the tv. and the first thing i heard was the verse "all things work together for good to them that love Him". so i walked out into the day knowing that no matter how crazy things looked, He was in control. and that was good enough for me.
i went for french at 9. found out what our oral exam on wednesday was going to be on. i almost passed out. 'all things work together for good'. went for philosophy at 10 and found out that i just might have to take the final even tho my A+ is pretty much guaranteed. arrrrggghhhhhh! 'all things work together for good'. had my discrete math test at 11. craziness. i knew more stuff than i coulda hoped for. i knew less stuff than i coulda wished for. 'all things work together for good'. went to immunology at 12. peace. of course this was peace b4 the storm. i was supposed to give a presentation on my research paper during lab at 2 and i hadnt even started the powerpoint. so during the hour between class and lab i did that presentation. and He was there becos when i was done with my presentation, i was proud. 'all things most definitely work together for good'.
then it got harder to see the good. i went to see dean briggs and even tho he's agreed to look for a school grant to cover the balance on my fees, i might be in some trouble (Dear Lord, please deliver me) i totally forgot about a GLI presentation that i was supposed to give at 4pm (Lord, forgive me. and please dont let them kill me) i went for dinner, my first meal of the day, and realized that my diet has become so poor, my gums are now incredibly tender. it felt like they were about to wear off. i almost started crying there. i know what i need to do. i need to manage time better. that way i can sleep well and wake up early for breakfast. i should get my work done early so i have time to eat lunch instead of working on presentations. i need to guzzle orange juice and take vit supplements. i need to eat right and regularly. its just depressing that i used to have such control over everything and nowadays i feel like a reed that moves which ever way the wind blows.
all things work together for good.
no matter, how crazy life gets, He sees. He knows. i surrender control not just cos i always mess things up, but becos id rather He lead me.
all things work together for good.
tomorrow will be good. and even if it isnt, He will still be in control. cos all things always and forever work together for good to them that love Him.
and thats good enuff for me.

Dear Mummy

2005-04-09T18:01:00.000-07:00

i miss u.
i was looking thru my albums and saw this pic of us. i like it a lot. i call it 'the crazy child and mother who is proud of the crazy child'. i remember when we took that pic. it was last year, the first time i had seen u in 3 years. remember the way i was screaming and hugging u like i would never let u go? yeah. that was fun. and i remember wondering why u looked exactly the same. and u were wondering y i was that skinny and y in God's name was my hair that short and scraggly. those were fun times no?
i miss u a lot.
i love the fact that we're so cool and i can tell u any and everything. and its a shame that that often messes with ur pulse. im glad u can tell me any and everything. and its a shame that i always encourage u to mess with other peoples' pulses. i love the fact that ure super crazy about God and ur family. and that ure willing to take crap from and on behalf of ur kids just cos u love us. and i love the fact that ure my mother when u need to be, and my best friend at all other times.
i miss u like mad.
im sorry i dont call home as often as u would like. and im sorry i dont always do what u tell me to even tho u clearly are always right (i actually believe that now. who woulda thunk it!) im sorry for all the times i disappointed u. and the times i made u cry (i did a lot of evil things. i realize that now. who woulda thunk it!)
i miss u like crazy.
i want to be u when i grow up. but even if i end up just half the wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend that u are, thats ok.
cos thatll make me one heck of a woman!
i heart u
=)

walked right into this one

2005-04-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

ok those around me know how superpsyched i am about moving to wisconsin.
its like letting me loose in hershey park.
anyhu, ive been telling those i know will be on the east coast that they need to come see me. i even went as far as promising TO that i'll learn how to make pancakes just so he'll come. yes, im a hostess with the mostest and extremely proud of the fact. im the 'come see me and ull have the time of ur life' typa girl. and ive been threatening people with bodily harm if they dont promise to show up.
until now.
i got an email from SW that he wants to come see me in milwaukee. which is great news for any hostess with the mostest worth her salt. but its SW we're talking about. i'll want to show him around and have fun and go hiking everywhere with him which would be great. and we can even do girlie things like spas and massages cos he likes those and he can teach me how to play pool. so far so good. but then, when all is said and done, therell still be one thing on his mind.
and it aint gonna happen.
not as long as i live and breathe.
and not after then either.
and since id hate to make someone travel all the way from freakin montana to wisconsin (thats about 1200 miles people. thats like going from athens to frankfurt!!!) and not go home a happy camper, im gonna have to say no to this one.
and the only thing i hate more than saying no is saying yes when i mean no.
i shoulda known it was going to come to this. i knew he was going to ask me to come see him so i was prepared when that came up. so i wonder y it didnt occur to me that he would offer to come instead. i guess becos he didnt strike me as the type to go thru the expense all in the name of the chase.
stewpid me!
i could always say "come, itll be fun, but these are my ground rules". but men lie. he'll say hes fine with my rules, then show up and try to pull strings. and id be forced to throw him out. which, come to think of it, might be fun (itll make a great story for my grandkids, no?) anyhu, i totally blame myself. i walked right into this one. thats what i get for wanting to see how far i can toy with people. the sad thing is i could feel Him telling me to watch it but, of course, i didnt listen cos i thot i could handle it.
this is sooooo not like letting me loose in hershey park.

renewal

2005-04-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

i looked out my window and saw spring.
its wonderful to see everything bloomin again. ahhhh, the joys of seeing grass thats actually green, going outside without a heavy jacket, to wear slippers, to look out my window when i wake up and see the tree isnt bare. spring is great. i dont know how i feel about the fact that all the girls in my school seem to have gone mad and now wear next to nothing to class just becos its warmer. actually i know how i feel, i just wont get into it.
anyhu, spring reminds me of renewal. making everything new again, it speaks of growth, restoration, all that good stuff. i invariably think of my relationships. with family, friends, classmates, teachers, my many loves.
my relationship with God.
im crazy about Him tho i dont always act right. i get distracted with the billion and one things i have to get done. i dont always remember to say whassup, find out how Hes doing, say thanks for His grace, find out what Hed like me to do. so in the spirit of all things spring, springy, and spring-like, im going to make my relationship with my first love new again.
which relationship are u going to work on?

mischief in my soul

2005-04-06T16:44:00.000-07:00

first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Y.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my beautiful baby. u know i love u. u are my adopted sister, my chosen sibling.
i love u so much. and im incredibly proud of u and all u do.
have a fantastic year boo
=)
in wonderful news: ive found an apartment!!!! i have a place to live in milwaukee that i can call my own. and its affordable! and furnished! and in a great location!
yeah baby! im sooooooo stoked.
in other news: im about to do something wicked.
ive been fighting temptation all day. and by all day, i mean since 3am this morning. ive fallen for some. overcome others. but this particular one...... ooooooo people. its just plain wrong.
i want to pick a lock.
not just any lock.
im not about to tell u what lock it is tho, so dont ask.
the only problem is ..... i cant pick locks to save my life.
so im going to need to find someone with the key who is willing to open the door for me. which means im going to have to lie. lie about my reason for wanting to go thru the door. and i get caught everytime i lie so i generally dont even bother. but i sorta need to do this one or else...... and even if i can convince said person, i need to find a way to leave the door open. cos i need ample time to complete the necessary but base act.
and im terrified God is going to send lightening bolts on my behind.

feelin positive

2005-04-05T18:40:00.000-07:00

well the world didnt end and im still alive so thats a good thing.
im feelin pretty good right now. many thanks to all ur prayers. i have a plan. and its reasonable, something i can follow thru to the end and be proud of. so yes, im feelin really positive right now.
i spoke with my aunt who's due to give birth in 3 weeks. she was huffing and panting and all she was doing was walking! i laughed like an idiot. she's promised to laugh at me when my time comes. clearly, that wont come for about a decade so hopefully she would have forgotten by then. but it was good to hear her voice again. i cant wait to play with her son when he does arrive.
i really have nothing to say. i just wanted u guys to know that im good.
and to say thank you.
and to say u rawk!!!
=)

please stay with me

2005-04-04T20:34:00.000-07:00

ok never combine john legend and the pope's passing with ur previous sadness.
im listening to john legend's stay with you and i feel so alone. i want it to be alright. i want someone to sing this for me now and tell me its okay to be frustrated and to cry like a baby and that theyre here for me. and theyll stay with me no matter what happens.
then i see stuff about the pope. and im catholic so ive been taught to respect him. but i see the beautiful person that he was and i love him willingly. and hes the only pope ive ever known and hes gone. and i feel even more lonely. and im crying even more. i cant stop the stupid tears anymore.
oh God, im so unhappy =(
Oh I'll stay with you through the ups and the downs
Oh I'll stay with you when no one else is around
And when the dark clouds arise
I will stay by your side
I know we'll be alright
I will stay with you
Everything will be fine
And I will stay with you
Through the end of time
I will stay with you

but today came so highly recommended

2005-04-04T20:03:00.000-07:00

how did it all go wrong?
today started pretty good. woke up relatively early, prepared for my french exam, went to class and had fun with it. after class, my teacher smiles and says "u did very very very good". considering this is the guy that usually says "i dont think u came prepared for this one" i was super happy! went to philosophy class determined to be mad at my teacher all day cos i didnt feel too good about the last test we had. turns out i did fantastic on it so im all on cloud nine and stuff. went for math class came out feeling high. went for immunology and had the time of my life. spoke with CK from mcw about my international student paper work and as always, she made me feel like the best thing since creation. it was when i went to lab and realized that i was moving on empty that i crashed right there on the lab bench and slept. after lab, i took one look at my 'to do' list and it went downhill from there.
i went to see one of my computer science teachers who was supposed to turn in 2 grades from last semester. i get there and hes telling me crap about my work. i was sooooo flippin mad and wanted to fling my bag at him. we had a plan about how much work i was going to do to finish my classes. i realized i couldnt handle 6 classes from last year and 5 from this semester and still survive. contrary to popular opinion, even superman cant do 36 credits in one semester. so i went to all my teachers and began to beg. this dude says okay, we'll reduce the work u have to do. then when im done with everything and im waiting for him to turn in the flippin grades hes telling me i shouldnt even dream of As. i beg ur pardon? surely, u aint talkin to me. y the heck didnt he tell me he was going to dock the grades from the start? y make me believe i could get by with the reduced work load. so right now, with just 2 weeks left in the semester, im going to get 5 weeks worth of work for these 2 classes done. arrrrrrggghhhh!!!!!
but imma do it. as long as my name is still OG, imma get it done. imma prove to him that u dont mess with me and get away with it. he thinks i cant do it huh? watch and see. by the time im done with those stupid finals, i'll show him that i can teach the flippin classes with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back. he doesnt know me.
and when im done, i'll very sweetly thank him for making me prove to him that im better than he could have ever imagined. i'll thank him for all the sleep i will undoubtably loose. i'll thank him for all the stress and bitterness that he put in my heart today. i'll thank him for the tears in my eyes right now. i'll thank him becos i'll always remember my last days in undergrad were the worst of the whole freakin semester.
and then i'll walk away from him.
and i'll thank my Father for bringing me thru it all. i'll thank Him for taking away my tears. i'll thank Him becos i know He'll never abandon me. especially on the days when i want to switch lives with someone else. i shall thank Him for His strength.
and then i'll walk into His everlasting arms.
imma be alright. as long as Hes still one the throne, imma be alright.

ps: pray that spider will be able to see the goodness thats right in front of her.

all the things ive been planning to say

2005-04-03T13:37:00.000-07:00

lotsa stuff happening people, lotsa stuff.
my bro got into temple!!!!!! woohoo!!!!!
ive got just 2 more weeks of classes. have i said that b4? i have? thot so.
i had a spoken word program on friday. fun!!!!!!
my music teacher said my project was above and beyond his expectations =)
i spent most of the weekend with EI. in how many ways can i say superfun?
i got no work done this weekend. not so superfun.
my parents and sister are coming over in 3 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! superpsyched and superexcited
i think im going to have just 2 finals. yeah baby!
im watching a movie instead of studying for my french oral tomorrow. yeah, i have no sense. :-/
im hungry. but thats normal.
this movie kinda has a sad ending. crap.

stopping to smell the roses

2005-03-31T08:49:00.000-08:00

this is an excerpt from an email i just received:
I thought of you this day
wondering how you are
your thoughts
your feelings
you know,
hows my OG been?:)
I'd love to hold you
and talk the day away
I'd love to snuggle
and ponder serious things like, is it warm or cold?
and wheres the blankie at?
I'd love to take a walk
through the bath of springtime just holding hands
I'd love to take a moment and just smile
miss you
ok everyone knows that im the very mushy type so clearly that made me stop and smile. and i realized that i would really want to do this, u know, snuggle and ponder on serious things like how cold it is and where the blankie's at. lol.
in other words, i want to stop and smell the roses.
i want to take a break from life as i know it. school work and all its craziness. people here that have a way of stressing me out. programs i have to attend. work that needs to be taken care of. i want to get away from it all. u know, stop and smell the roses.
i have only 2 more weeks of classes. so i know i should pull up my socks, be extra serious and go out in a blazin ball of fire. i want my finish to be powerful, a fitting end to the 4 years ive dedicated to college.
but id still like to, u know, stop and smell the roses.
i say we all go out today and do just that.
lets smell all em roses
=)

tired but happy

2005-03-30T20:43:00.000-08:00

ever felt so tired that ure positive ur skeletal frame can no longer support u?
yep. feelin that right about now.
the only sleep i got last night was from 8:16am - 8:33am today. while on my knees. so yeah, i need to go to bed. especially since ive been on my feet for the most of today. unfortunately, i had planned another all-nighter for tonite (last one for the semester. i promise!) but i dont think i can handle it. so maybe i'll do the all-nighter tomorrow night instead. isnt it sad that i feel i absolutely need to do the freakin all-nighter? lol. i should just forget about deadlines and skate my way thru the rest of the semester. right?
right.
but beyond all the tiredness, im happy. im happy for the friends i have. im grateful for the people i meet online who put me on their blogrolls (thanks DC =)). i hope i can, in someway, touch them the way reading their stories moves me. im grateful for my big bro who calls me each and every single day just to make sure im okay. i love u boo! im grateful for people who forgive me when im sloppy (which is often). im grateful for people like bb who make me laugh everytime we talk.
im ecstatic that ive got just 31 more days as an undergraduate (yipee!!!!!!)
and even tho my philosophy exam was just plain weird, i refuse to complain. i shall take life as He deals it cos i know His strength is sufficient.
now on to the best news of the day......
FO got into lancaster university in their masters in information technology, management and organizational change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and yes it sounds just as complex to me as it does to u ;-)
im sooooooooooo happy for u babes! and if u choose to go there, i'll have someone to visit in england for those weekends when ive got nothing to do
hehe

confused

2005-03-29T19:03:00.000-08:00

to sleep or not to sleep?
to do my philosophy extra-credit paper or not?
to run a program i planned to do tomorrow or not?
to do my lit paper now or not?
to call some woman ive been trying to contact at this 'late hour' or not?
ive got decisions running thru my head. and i havent got any brain cells to spare.
one thing is certain: the only way i can make a dent in my to-do list is if i pull an all-nighter.
and i dont want to.
so the question still remains....
.... to sleep or not to sleep?
i love college.

My Darlin Father

2005-03-28T17:55:00.000-08:00

hi! howve U been? im okay down here. i guess. u know how things are.
i guess happy belated easter is in order? yeah. thank U for the gift of Ur Son. the sad thing is that i was supposed to be celebrating His place in my life and i felt so far from Him. like, i was lost and no matter how hard i tried, i still coundnt see. what can i say? twas a weekend of despair.
thank U for the work i was able to get done. even tho i didnt use as much sense as i woulda hoped to use. i mean, ive done 2 allnighters in the past 4 days. when will it all end Lord? what can i say? twas a weekend of desperate scrambling to get things in order.
thank U for the times i disappointed myself. Lord i realized that i cuss like a sailor. i mean, i listened to my mind this weekend and i was horrified. yes, i never said anything out loud but it was terrifying to hear the rage in my head when someone pissed me off and i went on a tirade. my head is way too small to have all this crap in it. so i realize that i need to work on my thots. i need to watch the words that run thru my head. i need to watch my temper. this short and truly dangerous fuse that keeps on going off in me is either one day going to come out and kill someone, or ill drown in my own bile. what can i say? twas a weekend of shocking insight into my screaming thots.
thank U for today. today, i woke up a different person. first off, it finally happened! after 3 months of tears and pleading and love and hate and doubt and just plain drama im finally over it. thank U. i dont know what i saw differently, but last night my eyes were opened. i saw that even tho the journey is great, the expectations need to align. so thank U becos i can go to bed tonight knowing that my heart is at peace. and yes, its a peace beyond understanding. twas a day of yes, U got it, peace.
thank U for people who give of themselves. thank U for the professors who stayed behind with me today. i got done with 3 of last semester's classes today! and yes, i'll get done with 2 tomorrow. ese pupo! thank U becos u know ive been lusting after my school's giant umbrella since i came here 4 years ago. and thank U for the guy who saw i was about to get pelted by rain today and decided that instead of sharing his gaint school umbrella with me, i should have it. *swoon* and thank U for OS who out of the blue said she had stuff she wanted to give me. and i took one look at it at them and knew Ud called my name again cos i needed those things really bad. i guess ask and ye shall receive really works ;-) twas a day of joyous receiving.
thank U for the work imma get done tonight.
thank U for JU and FO whose birthdays are today. bless them. keep them. guard their hearts.
i promise to be a better daughter.
i promise to be a better friend.
yeah twas a great weekend.
twas an even better day.
and tomorrow ........ itll be flippin awesome dude! lol. =)
amd if i havent said this in a while, i love U so much it is impossible to express it in any language known to man.
so imma simply say.....
I heart U!

i got a phone call today.

2005-03-26T07:41:00.000-08:00

ok people we're gonna use our imaginations here.
lets go to the place that is, without a doubt, the most amazing place in the world for u. it could be the place u go to watch the sun setting, where u found out u won the lottery, where he told u he loved u, where she said she would marry u, where u realized u had the strength to do anything.
the place u go to and all u can think is "there is a God."
and lets say certain people remind u of that place.
it might be ur 3rd grade classroom so those u were in 3rd grade with remind u of it. it could be the movie theatre where u made out with the love of ur life (and im not encouraging anything here people) so ur friend who works there reminds u of it.
now lets say that those people have come to mean more to u than the place itself.
so when u talk with them, even tho they remind u of this i-would-pay-to-stay-here-forever place, its a billion times better becos ure actually talking with them.
now lets say theyre in this wonderful, wonderful place (the lucky buggers!) and for some reason u cant talk to them. and u accept that. uve come to live ur life knowing that u cant see them, u cant talk to them, nothing. and ure fine with that.
but some days.......some days, u go somewhere quiet. and when u close ur eyes u can see them in this place. u can see their beautiful eyes. u can run ur fingers thru hair so fine it shoulda been mine. u can even smell them. yes, that scent that makes u feel like uve come home to a place u can be u. u can be free.
and if u close ur eyes hard enuff, u can hear that voice. the voice that never fails to stimulate every single last one of ur nerve endings. becos uve come to love that voice. and u know that if u can make urself hear it in ur head, everything is gonna be beautiful.
now lets say, one day, ur phone rings at 9:15am.
and u pick up even tho u really wanna fling the phone cos u were sleeping, and yes, the sleep was good.
and then u hear that voice.
.......
so i wanna say thank u.
u have made my day beautiful.

thot id put some antarctic pix up

2005-03-24T19:53:00.000-08:00

thats one of mactown's official landmarks. off to the right is hut point which i failed to hike to during my entire stay there. i know. i suck.

thats me in the aquarium with my sea urchin spawn. many thanks to father phil for the pic.

cross at the top of observation hill. many thanks to KH for the pic.

glaciers are so cool!!!!!

who said penguins dont go to the opera house =)

after an awesome day diving at cape bird

keep ur foot off the freakin gas!!! this never failed to make me laugh my wool socks off.

LK showing me how the "lookatmeimamodel!!!" pose is really done.

showing off our sexy thermal underwear =)

thats PU and i the day he was leaving. we were both extremely depressed.

birthday girls!!! thats KC, me and PJ during our beach-themed bday bash.

BB and i at a rave. nothing like neon lights and techno music to bring out the crazy in u.

KH and i at the touch tank. as for whats going on with me face ..... who really knows.

DO and i after a party at the coffee house.

the amazing sandwich and i.

that's me on ceasar's ghost on the way back from cape evans. 50mph on a skeedo on antarctic snow is even more mind-blowing than it sounds.
fun times, people.
fun times.

happy birthday dd!!!!!!!

2005-03-24T17:26:00.000-08:00

happy birthday boo!!!!!
i must say u looked very dashing today.
congratulations on finally reaching the age where its legal to take a SIP of liquor every now and then =)
hope u have fun with ur mom and sister this weekend.
and u come back prepared to do my immunology paper!

sense and sensibility

2005-03-23T11:31:00.000-08:00

that was a pretty good book through not jane austen's best. twas one of them didactic novels where the personalities of the 2 main characters were compared and we were induced to choose one over the other.
well, i guess ive officially become a didactic novel then.
lets start with the easier one. school work! im sensible. i know what i have to do. however i sometimes dont schedule enough time to get it done. why u might ask? im glad u did. thats where the sensibility comes in. i fling myself into things that are time-consuming, and of no profit whatsoever. as such im not left with enough time to study for say, the french and immunology exams i had today. french was especially painful. i think i'll do relatively well, but not as good as i coulda done and that upsets me deeply. cos this was our last written exam before the final and since written is where im strongest, i really needed to do well. oh well, may God ignore my lack of wisdom and drown me in His merciful grace. immunology was funny. if pulling ones hair and cussing oneself thoroughly is funny for u. if i do well on this exam i wont need to take the final. ergo, i absolutely have to do well. and honestly babes, im not sure i did well enough. Father deliver me.
the other aspect is, of course, men. (Lord how i hate it!) my dad is the very open, i wanna know everything going on in your love life typa guy. and he does this for all the females he knows. so all my aunts would come to my house and ask him for advice and direction and what not. and he would make a big thing about it. we'd get out the ice-cream and chocolate and kleenex. kleenex for the aunt, choc and ice-cream for him and me (clearly, my dad rocks!) and he would sit and dissect everything - word for word, action for action, look for look. he would then go on and tell her what to do, and the way the guy would react to her new actions. and he was always right.
so clearly, i know men. after sitting thru countless amount of those sessions, i have come to understand the ways their minds work, what they mean whether or not they move their lips. the only surprise move they have is their very first one. everything that comes after that has been plotted in my mind, im just waiting for it to happen. its been this way from the very first guy i dated, it will be this way to the very last. thats the sense part. but of course theres also the sensibility part. i know what ure going to do, i dont want it to happen and yet i do nothing to prevent it. why? probably cos i wanna see u doing it, i wanna see how long itll take u to do it, i dunno (c'mon who really understands what goes on in my mind?) case in point - SW. when i first met him, he got a really bad report from LK. and what she says goes so i didnt like him. then he just did some slightly annoying things. but what really broke the camel's back was the day 17 year old CDV got disgustingly drunk, i took her to her room, he knew i took her there, and went to take her to go frolick somewhere. i wanted to kill him with my bare hands. so clearly that did it for me. that was last year. but we've had this email thing going on for a while now, and hes turning out to be not such an evil guy. and its like with each passing email he gets a little bit more affectionate and emotional, all that lovey dovey stuff. and we've had the whole "forget it! its never gonna happen! ever!!!" conversation at least three times now. so i figure, if he still doesnt hear word, imma just stop talking to him.
he sent an email yesterday and we officially reached the 'i need to stop talking to u' point.
and yet, i dont want to stop. its rather exhilarating right about now and he threw in some things that were ...... interesting. so i wanna see this play out! but i shouldnt. its unfair to him, senseless to me.
in austen's novel, she made us pick the character of the 'sense' sister over the reckless abandon of the 'sensibility' one. and it made sense. it was clear and logical.
so why is it so hard to let go of the 'sensibility' in me?

they were right.

2005-03-22T11:55:00.000-08:00

when they said making someone feel better really lifts ur own spirit, i had no clue how true it was.
half an hour ago, i was looking for my gun. then i stumbled on someone who was not in the best of states. and the minute i said "ure doing what God has called u to do and He will see u thru" i felt so much better. like truly sincerely better!
becos i actually listened to what i was saying.
Hes here for me. i shall survive.
who woulda thunk it!

steamin!!

2005-03-22T11:15:00.000-08:00

im upset.
with myself, people i feel take advantage of me, and so on and so forth.
the day is half gone. ive got 2 assignments due tomorrow. 2 exams tomorrow. a class in an hour im not ready for. an appointment later today that im not looking forward to.
and i hate it when i email people who dont reply in a timely fashion. hello! its official and urgent! u know ms r will kill me if i dont get back to her right now! are u tryna put me in trouble?!?! arrrgggh!
and not just the official ones. all the other people too! when i ask u something and u reply, why do u ignore me? huh? did u think it was a rhetorical question? then u have the effontry to ask me stuff! so im going to stop emailing some people now. i cant afford to get mad eveytime u reply and i see that once again, u acted like i didnt ask u anything. especially since i took the time to find answers to all the questions u asked. and i hate it when people order me around. by email! i mean, u think becos u arent actually speaking that it comes off in a flowery, non-order-sounding manner? ure smart so that cant be it. so it must be that u wake up in the morning, think of tasks i need to do, then email me to hop on it! and becos im not ur indentured servant i have decided that this relationship is unhealthy. as such, forget it! until u steal manners from somewhere, dont bother me anymore. and that goes to both of u!!!!!
stewpid men!
ok, now that thats off my chest, i feel better.
thank u for letting me rant.

hope

2005-03-21T17:05:00.000-08:00

if speaking intellectually is sexy,then the Architect in the matrix is adonis.
one of his great lines was "hope. it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness."
as always, he was right. when we have hope we believe we can do anything. but the minute we lose hope, our very existence seems impossible.
today i saw many people who have lost hope. i dont know which is more painful - watching a grown man cry, or watching him try to hide his tears from you. today i watched one of my adopted brothers attempt to hide his tears. and although he kept his eyes tightly shut so the tears wouldnt fall, i could hear his sobbing heart. and it broke mine. and although i prayed with him, i could still see it in his beautiful brown eyes. he had lost hope. then as i walked over here from my room i saw a girl crying right there on the road. when did we all become so unhappy?
what happened to hope? what happened to the belief that tomorrow will be better?
sometimes its hard to see it. thats where friends come in. we are supposed to be the eyes of those we love when they have been blinded by hurt, pain, fear, misery and all the things that make us loose hope.
so today let us collectively pray for all those we know who have lost hope, whose smiles no longer reach their eyes, who no longer see the need to go on. that they will see that, regardless of the situation, the problem is never too big for Him. the only constant is Him.
there is no spoon.

see who's worried now

2005-03-20T15:34:00.000-08:00

have u ever been really worried about a friend?
like 'super duper i know u have a problem please let me help u' worried?
i have. and ive been praying about it. and i could feel God telling me to just shut up and keep praying but did i listen?
of course not.
so i sorta brought it up. but becos i didnt exactly know how to address it, lets just say i totally mangled things up and was unbelievably misunderstood.
oh well, im learning to listen to Him, especially when i feel i know what's right.
felt slightly mad yesterday. i havent seen my folks in a while and i got to see them and i was ecstatic. then of course they had to comment on the fact that i lost weight. hello people! i just got done with midterms!! i loose weight whenever i have exams cos my sleep becomes erratic and i miss meals. i try to make up for it once the period of stress is done by sleeping well, and eating well and heartily but it usually takes about three weeks to gain the weight back and its been only one week. and im tired of explaining to people that they need not be worried about me and my weight. i understand my body. i can predict how much weight i'll lose during finals (5 - 8 pounds) and how long itll take to gain it back (3 - 4 weeks) and im grateful that now i see that its not about how much i weigh but about how i am on the inside. so im going to stop aiming for 135 lbs. (yes, i said it! lol) and instead i shall aim to always remain the healthy happy person i am today. and im as good to my body as i possibly can. i should probably exercise to keep my heart healthy but, like i told ju, the only form of exercise that doesnt feel like punishment to me is biking which i cant do in school.
my point is i love my body. i used to think that i should be fatter but not anymore. God saw it fit to give me this body structure and im grateful for it and wont ever do anything to hurt it. i realize that as i grow older, i'll put on weight and im looking forward to it, but until then i happy. im healthy. and when im 40 and robust, i'll still be happy and healthy.
so people, i realize that its becos u love me that u worry, but please be content with the way i look and the fact that im happy.
Lord knows im content with it.

tres content

2005-03-19T19:57:00.000-08:00

just got back from S birthday/intl students food nite.
excellent!
ate poundo ati egusi. (take that school cafeteria!)
lol.
needless to say im happy.
now im ready for the all-nighter of school work that ive been planning all weekend.
lets just pray my full stomach doesnt force me to say hello to my bed.

YAY again!!!!!!!

2005-03-18T19:32:00.000-08:00

ive got this friend - jo. hes awesome. he was my study partner for the mcats and due to the thousands of hours we spent together reading for the flippin exam, i got to find out what a truly beautiful person he is. i also found something out today.
jo got into penn state med school!!!!!!!!
yay!!!!!!!!!
im sooooooooooo happy for u baby. and yes, u are still my only permanent season =)
i just got out of church. people, i am inspired!

memories of emails past

2005-03-17T21:16:00.000-08:00

i wonder if im the only person who goes thru her email just because.
ive always been crazy about letters - hand delivered, snail mail, express, postcards, email, whatever. i believe the written word is a beautiful form of expression and i love it when, for a period in time, i have this back and forth dance of expression with others. long or short, deep or superficial, rambling or succinct, i love hearing from people. its like uve offered up a piece of u - ur thots, ur words - to me and it trips me every single time.
i just went thru my email again. i generally search for specific names of people that ive done marathon back and forth sessions with. yahoo makes both the received and sent mails come up in chronological order so i can go thru them and watch how the relationship evolved. heres to ju who started the trend in the summer of '03, circle of five who perfected the art of epistle-ing, bb whos got the record for most on a given day and who got the most chuckles, ms who sent really long and sweet ones on a fairly regular basis, ck who had the most smiley faces and made me want to hug her every single time i got one, and yours truly who proved that its okay to email 1-liners to oneself.
so i dedicate this post to the joy we find in emails.
thanks to all those who write me. those who share their lives with me. those who allow me to share mine. may all ur 'i cant believe we still keep in contact' relationships be beautiful.
now go write me a letter =)

so many decisions.

2005-03-16T18:25:00.000-08:00

okay so im thinking about life after graduation. why? cos i realized today that ive got just 4 weeks of classes left before the semester ends *screams!!!!!*
2 questions:
-where to go?
ive narrowed it down to emory and wisconsin (man from uconn please forgive me cos i know u were super wonderful to me when i didnt turn in my application early). after careful consideration (yeah, whatever =)) ive decided that it comes down to going with the school thats compatible with my research interests. ive come to realize that immunology is not gonna work with my cardiothoracic surgery aspirations so im looking for stuff that work with ct surgery. main reason i wanted to go to emory was cos of the cdc and the fact that immunology would be phenomenal there. since that is now officially out......
oh well, ive emailed faculty to check out my options.
2nd question, where to go before all that?
ive got about a month between school and more school and im not sure where i want to go. my parents want me to go to nigeria but i dunno. first off, its way too expensive to buy a ticket to go home with so little time before my expected departure date. other option: travel around the us seeing people i proly wont see for a reeeeaaaaallllll long time. =)
im thinking the cheaper option. i just havent told my parents yet. anyhu, if i do the road trip, let me know ur addresses, so we could hook up before my money runs out =)
alrighty people. gotta get back to work.
and thanks for ur prayers for PU and my sis. those requests have officially been taken care of by Him.
keep my bro still in ur prayers tho. gracias!
ps: lemme know what u think about the school thingie

my sister got her visa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-03-15T18:03:00.000-08:00

im going to see my baby sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh.my.word!
im so happy!
my sister is coming for my graduation!
im going to see my baby after 4 long years!
wow, i left when she was 3 and now she's probably taller than i am and i get to see her!
Father, how can i thank You?
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!!
THANK YOU!!!

love

2005-03-14T18:42:00.000-08:00

was sorting thru my inbox when i saw an email i had sent to my friend MS a while back:
remember last wednesday when u were talking about love? im reading bill bryson's 'mother tongue'.......
"at a conference of sociologists in america in 1977, love was defined as 'the cognitive-affective state characterized by intrusive and obsessive fantasizing concerning reciprocity of amorant feelings by the object of the amorance'. that is jargon - the practice of never calling a spade a spade when u might instead call it a manual earth-restructuring implement"
clearly, i love bryson.
anyhu, the whole love thing has been on my mind all day. what we do for love, what we expect from those we love, those we want to love us, those we expect to love us, those we wish would love us a little less, and what not. it sorta started in alabama. as some of u know, i went for a speech contest. i made it to the finals in my category tho i didnt win. boo hoo. lol. anyhu it was a lot of fun and im glad i went. not just for the experience and the great people i met, but for the 15 hour trip and the way i bonded with my school folk who were in the van with me (it was wonderful! best road trip ive ever had!)
anyhu, the girl who won in my category (oral interpretation) performed a poem by dana gilmore "wife...woman..friend"
oh.my.word.
it was incredible. i would put it up here but it took over 7 mins to go thru both part i & ii so u can imagine how long it is. besides, ive never heard so many cuss words in a 7-min period so i dont think i could put it up anyway. the whole point of the thing is what we go thru as women when we put everything into the relationship we have with some guy who's a 'friend' (yeah, right!). and how, u kill urself becos weve collectively come to believe that if we put our all into it, and act all wifey, and pray our eyes out, the 'friend' will come around and see that we're meant to be together forever. and how after all that work, and u cook, and clean, and hes got a key to ur house, and has stuff in ur place, gets mail at ur address, people call ur phone when theyre looking for him, and all that crap, he still steps up to u with some 'we're just friends' opata. and how u want to kill him, and u cry till ure sure ull die. and u barely get over him and "next time u wont be looking for a lover but a friend who wants u to be his wife, woman, and friend". and how ure done with boys pretending to be men (specifically him!) and thats the last time ull love a guy thats got no love for u.
people, it was beautiful. and i could relate! all the men we've called just friends and yet we act like we'll die if they leave us. and this is not just a female thing. i know many men whove been crushed by their female 'just friends'. why do we do this to ourselves? why cant we just be honest? with ourselves and the other person. baby if u realize u want to be his woman and he says he wants to be just ur friend u need to drop him! and if u tell him u just want to be friends and he acts like ure his wife, u need to get to stepping.
so with this in mind, im going to have an honest conversation with all the guys ive told i just wanna be friends with and still act like im the star in their lives. and im never gonna let a guy who calls me just friend run away with my heart. id rather rip it away from him and stomp on it than give him the chance to break it. okay maybe that was a bit harsh. my point is if i tell u that i dig u and wanna date u and whatnot and u still say ure a friend, oh well, ill live. id rather cry that day than dedicate a year to u and cry for the rest of my life.
as PU once said "emotions aint as important as we make them out to be. if u hurt his feelings he wont die" or somin like that. (clearly i love PU) on that same level, i promise to be honest with myself. if he says "no" when my heart screams "yes!!!!!!!", all that will happen is my feelings will be hurt. i wont die. infact, i should thank him for being honest with me.
that way, ill never be inspired to write my version of a cuss-filled "wife...woman....friend"
Lord knows id rather appreciate it from afar.

on the road again

2005-03-10T15:18:00.000-08:00

well, i leave for alabama in less than 4 hours and im looking forward to it.
i hate the fact that im missing class tomorrow (again!!!). i dont remember the last time i spent the whole week in school. oh well ...... whats a sexy bebe gonna do huh? ;-)
today was kinda good. yesterday was a fiasco cos i did absolutely nothin. so ive given up and given everything to God. i cant get any work done so im just gonna put it all in His hands. im learning the place for submission. might as well start practicing for when i get married huh? lol. itll be interesting submitting to a man. and yes, i totally believe in wives submitting to their husbands. i also even more firmly believe that women need to be careful about who they think is date-able. dont bother dating an idiot that u know u will never submit to. or one that doesnt know when u should lead and he should support. anyhu, im learning to submit to God's will for my life. and learning to listen to Him. pray, people pray.
also pray for PU, my sister, and my bro. gracias.
remember when i was talking about the guy i wanted to yell at? yeah, he emailed me today. and of course, i didnt tell him he had made me mad. im such a wuss! i mean, i was more hurt than mad and he did address the situation in his email so i guess there was no need. right?
ai, why are relationships so flipping confusing.
finally, i think french is okay. ive wanted to drop that class this whole semester cos its a lot of work, and my teacher thinks i dont put in any effort. anyhu, when i went to the chapel with TA in akron, i was thinking about it before the service started and decided i would drop the class when i returned to school. and of course, the service talked about people who quit. yeah, God tends to call my name a lot. so, i came out determined to stick it out. well, i got my midterm exam back today. it turns out my french is not as bad as i thot.
i was feelin sooooo good, i was sure that if i stretched my arms, i would fly.
may u feel that type of good too.

sleepy time!

2005-03-09T20:59:00.000-08:00

or not.
ive got an amazing amount of work to get done and the day is officially over. but the good thing is, its called an all-nighter!!!! yay!
i want to shoot myself.
pray for me. that i will use the time i have well.
in unrelated news, have u ever felt so maligned that u really want to scratch his eyes out? yep, its the y-chromosome again. but then the sad thing is i did the same thing to the same guy last year (to a lesser extent tho!) so i feel like i dont have the right to be mad. im thinking i should probably bring it up, but my guilt slays me. so i shall remain silent and pray that he calls me so i can yell at him.
in even more unrelated news, FO: je t'aime.

happy birthday bjc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-03-08T09:23:00.000-08:00

happy birthday luv!
some of u know BC, the awesome bri'ish guy i met last summer. hes getting his phd at ud (where i did my internship) and i made it my life's goal to bug the crap outta him. i was also madly in like with him but thats another story. and he did the sweetest thing for me on my birthday but that yet another story. and he speaks french (ahhhh mon coeur!)
anyhu, he turns 26 today (the baby) and im simply stocked =)
this is for u sweetheart. may u have a marvelous day. i shall say a special prayer for u today. that ur life will be full of love, joy, and happiness - u deserve it!

learning

2005-03-08T08:04:00.000-08:00

im learning to love myself again.
im learning to be good to myself. to treat myself the way i desire to treat others. to respect myself again. its a new day, a new beginning, a fresh start. and im taking it.
told u guys i watched diary of a mad black woman this past weekend. it was hilarious, minus the parts where u get so mad at the charles husband that u want rip his eyes out. anyhu, one thing that really touched me about the movie was the way shamar moore defined love. remember kimberly elise, denzel washington's wife in john q? yeah, she was the one he was in love with (she was mad pretty in the movie. lord!)
anyway, when she asked him how he knew he loved her, he said:
i carry u in my spirit.
if im away from u for just an hour i start thinking about u.
i pray for u more than i pray for myself.
when i see ur smile, i feel like my world is alright
now, i might not be quoting verbatim, but u get the gist.
and i hereby promise to love myself.
i shall carry the new me in my spirit (which should be easy, i think). i shall think about myself and my life and my world - and be grateful - if i realize that its been more than an hour since i last did that. i shall pray for the new me more than i did the old one. and when i smile, it will remind me that my world is beautiful. i shall start a 'love OG' club and i shall be the president.
as i sat in that theater and watched beautiful mr. moore say that, i wanted to be the woman he was talking to =) but i remembered something i live by: theres nothing a man can do for me that i cant do for myself. so every morning i shall wake up and promise to love me more than i ever did before. and when it looks too difficult, i will simply copy the One who first loved me.
i think if i can love myself the way God loves me, imma be alright.

i should be shot

2005-03-07T16:06:00.000-08:00

its been a bad day.
its been a freakin incredibly bad day.
my classes werent super. i had my freakin issues in modernization midterm and i dont think the answers i turned in were super hot. i went out on a field trip which sorta made the day better. than i bumped into a teacher who happens to be really really mad at me. so mad that he totally ignored me and acted like he didnt know me. which, coming from him, means hes gonna kill me later when hes calm enough to plunge the knife in my back. i got some news from my bro which i was sorta expecting but today wasnt the day to hear it. i got a letter from the registrar saying my degree is going to be a BS not a BA if i dont come in and straighten some requirements stuff. i got a letter from the bursar saying i owe my stupid school money - money cos of fines that we're given to stupid girls in my hall. and a letter from my bank. a letter that made me see red.
apparently the $1000 check i thot i deposited is officially lost.
who the heck am i supposed to kill?
ive got 2 banks and 3 accounts. the past 2 months, i stopped the meticulous bookkeeping i do to keep track of every cent i own. why? cos more money was going out than was coming in and i was so freakin frustrated, i decided to not balance anymore books until the day i graduate.
big mistake.
now both banks are saying i didnt deposit the freakin check with them.
and i cant even tell where and when i deposited the stupid check cos i stopped my bookkeeping. first off this check has managed to piss me off several times already. i got it in january but since it wasnt the right amount, i kept on callin the freakin corp that cut it in the first place. after running me around for an entire month, they said to deposit that one, and theyll cut me another with the balance. then i couldnt deposit the stupid check cos i couldnt find anyone to take me to my 2nd bank which happens to be out of the way. so i finally give up, deposit it in my primary bank and say goodbye to stress.
or not.
i checked my mail today and they said what i had keyed in as a $1000 transaction was actually a $265.78 check i could have sworn i put in the other bank. so i call the other bank thinking i had mixed up checks and they say i havent deposited anything like that there.
what the heck am i supposed to do?
now, im going to have to call the stupid corp that wrote the check, tell them to cancel it and write another one which will probably take them 10 additional months and theyll probably cut the wrong amount again.
and in the midst of all this, im going to have to sort out my freakin finances.
i used to be so conscientious with money.
how the heck did this happen to me?
what did i do wrong?
why do i hate my life so much today?
im off to cry myself to sleep.

real quick...

2005-03-06T16:05:00.000-08:00

ok, i leave akron in about 30 mins.
its been incredibly awesome.
cant write a lot now cos tayo needs me to hurry up.
saw diary of a mad black woman and went to 2 church services today.
will talk about them tomorrow.
pray that i have a safe trip back to school.
thanks babes!

all that jazz!

2005-03-05T13:34:00.000-08:00

"it all started with a hit...."
goodday and welcome to "OG's world live". i am OG reporting from the University of Akron, O-hi-o.
first, the headlines:
-chicago, the performance rocks
-i have the weirdest dreams
-TA makes bangin pancakes
-og, apparently likes old men.
and now the news.
have u seen chicago? and i dont mean the movie. live, in the theater chicago. u havent? tsk tsk. u need to. absolutely awesome. and im sure it helped that id never seen the movie. TA and i went to see it yesterday. i had sooooooo much fun. first off we got dressed up (sorry, my darlins, no smoking hot red dresses) and felt all hot with ourselves. and while we were waiting for the show to start, we decided to have a lil bit o' cake and wine to make the experience even more decadent. i had german choc cake (of course), TA had strawberry cheesecake and we both had a glass of white chardonnay.
big mistake!
TA officially hates white wine. sad we didnt know this before we bought it. but it was hilarious! u shoulda seen the faces she was pulling as she tried to gulp it down. and who gulps down wine? lol. hilarious!
anyhu, so we went in and were given the razzle dazzle and all that jazz. half way thru the show i realized that i was watching - and im not sure our censors will let this thru considering this is a family-oriented newscast - a group of thespians singing and dancing on stage in, for the most part, underwear and silk stockings. oh the horror! =) anyway, it was a lot of fun. im planning to come back next month so TA and i can watch "mamma mia!" when it shows here.
i cant even describe the dreams i had yesterday. craziness! the second one had stuff to do with quadruplets, some bti corporation that when u eat something takes over ur mind and gives u powers to kill people, denzel washington, a cow in the backyard, some guy who could morph into denzel washington, TA's boom box, quadruplets who could morph into some weird thing that snarled like a dog, had the hoofs of a goat, still looked like humans, and generally went for the jugulars of people not in bti. as i said, craziness. u know its time to wake up when u have dreams like that. i told TA about it and she laughed and said the reason my neck has been hurting all day is cos one of the quadruplets went for my jugular.
i need to change my friends.
tho TA makes the best pancakes, so i might keep her.
anyhu, this is the first time ive seen TA since i got back from antarctica so she wanted to see pics and stuff. apparently she thinks all my friends are old white men. there was a particular pic she saw and yelped "oh my gidness, he looks foooorrrtttttyyyyyy" she had me cracking up all night. another one she said "he looks older than ur father". considering the fact that said guy is actually older than my dad i didnt really mind. but she thinks i should send one of the pics to my mom and say "this is the guy im dating" just to see how fast she'll pass out. just for laughs.
i really need to change my friends.
anyhu, im having mad fun here. its great to see TA after so long. catching up almost makes up for the time apart. she thinks i say the word 'sexy' too often. (whaaatt?) her hair is so freakin long right now im tempted to grow mine out (tries to clobber the green monster). she has 2 francine rivers books (awesome). her tv is the size of a penny (she says no more tv for me since i dissed it) her apartment is adorable (im stealing the cove where her bed is).
and i fell down the stairs on my way in yesterday morning!!!!
"it all started with a hit" id say! (i think TA is mad cos ive been using lines from chicago all day). my arm and back are badly bruised. feel free to send get well kisses. or 20 bucks. any would do.
and we prayed together as we were about to fall asleep.
u couldnt pay me to change my friends.
it made me think about the fact that i have friends i can pray with as i fall asleep at night who know me so well that they know exactly what to pray for. and friends who go out of their way to make me laugh all day. and who plan a whole weekend of happiness for me. i think about that, and i thank my Father cos theyre in my life. so tonight, i shall pray for all of u. that u will find as much joy in your friends as i have in mine.
this OG reporting live from Akron saying goodnight and all that jazz!

she's on fire!!!!

2005-03-03T00:38:00.000-08:00

listening to john legend.
oh.my.word
he officially moves me in more ways than i can describe.
one of u needs to buy me his get lifted cd. please.
anyhu, thats not the reason for this late night post.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JU GOT INTO EMORY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yep. my baby's done it again. she got into the phd program there and right now, looks like thats where she's gonna end up. as always, im incredibly proud of u boo =)
now ive got one more reason to choose emory if they choose me.
imagine, we could paint druid hills red together boo.
sweet!

guess who's back?

2005-03-02T14:31:00.000-08:00

after what feels like a 7-year hiatus, im baaaaacccckkkkk!
lol.
what can i say? its been crazy. life has been one crazy circus ride after the other. but im still here so it cant possibly be that bad. many thanks to all who called, and wrote concerned about me. and that includes my bosses who, when i didnt show up on tuesday were betting on if i had actually gone off the deep end this time.
updates are in order. hmmm.... lets see
emory. in a word: fantastic.
i was greatly impressed. i went there thinking the trip was a waste of time and money. but i left a believer. its a great school, awesome students, fantastic facilities, tons of money, and theyve got the freakin cdc on their campus. u might ask "did u just say the freakin cdc?". u bet i did. i mean, i want to get my phd in immunology. doesnt get a lot better than the cdc. and theyve got so many people who are truly passionate about their work. it was fantastic. if i get in, itll be ridiculously hard to chose between emory and wisconsin.
school. in a word: crazy.
i was barely ready for my french midterm on monday. i missed my immunology test on friday, so i rescheduled for tuesday and still couldnt make it. as for today, i had the flippin french orals and got humongously pissed. i usually read/speak really fast. so i slowed down today. and of course my professor felt i was too slow and reduced my grade *still steaming* then did my discrete math midterm. i dont even know how i did. i barely studied cos i was sucked in by the joys of immunology. so i was doing math today and got stuck a number of times. then i took the immunology test (finally!). twas the only good thing about today. did i tell u how much i love that class? i often feel dumb in class but thats ok. i still love it. and i missed my issues in modernization midterm for the same reason i missed immunology on tuesday. lets see how many ways my professor decides to skin me when i show up at his door tomorrow.
as for classes from last semester that im still yet to finish....arrrrggghhhh!!!!! dont even get me started. just when i think im almost done, something else comes up. someone needs to take me to a time-manangement school. clearly.
relationships. in a word: whotheheckknows
i seem to be going up and down on this one. people i felt like stoning last week are suddenly not so bad. others that i would have given my right hand for are suddenly not so hot anymore. what happens when u can no longer see what attracted u to someone in the first place? actually thats not what i should be asking. i was at that point last month. what do u do when people uve lost interest in are suddenly displaying the things that attracted u to them in the first place? actually, dont answer that either cos my mind is made up. im not interested. now take ur drama and leave me the heck alone.
i got propositioned last week. not marry me or anything, but as close to that as dude was willing to go. clearly, hes the one i wanted to stone. but as i said, he doesnt seem that bad anymore. not like im considering him cos i know him well enough to steer clear of even the slightest hint of anything more than "maybe one day i might call u a friend". anyhu, im searching for that place between 'lose my number' and 'ure not so bad after all'.
God and i could be so much better right now. i think ive disappointed Him several times within the past week and im highly ashamed of myself. in the craziness that is my life i lost my anchor. which is ridiculously sad. i know He sees that He's still my love, but i dunno...... i just feel horrid about the way ive been treatin Him. we need to have a talk where i find the way again.
pray for my cousin.
please pray for mindi too. she's this amazing woman that ive come to love and she's going through a difficult period right now. pray that she finds the grace that is there.
ive been horrible to certain people. u know, unbelievably selfish type of horrible. i dont even know where to begin to say sorry from.
i had this really interesting talk with TO. he's blessed with wisdom way beyond his years and it was humbling to listen to him talk to me about me. but one thing that really struck me was the way he dissected my 'men are crap and i want nothing to do with them' theory. when i tell people i dont want to get married cos of y-chromosome drama, reactions are generally in 2 basic camps - 'u go girl!' or 'dont be stupid!'. anyhu, TO saw things differently. he said sometimes the hurt weve been thru blinds us to God's will for us. i mean what if its His will that i have a family? do i then tell Him to shove it cos i dont want drama? i never thot of that. u know, that my emotions about such a thing could be contrary to His plan for me. i mean, when u think marriage, u think about God and who He had in mind when He made u. but when u think 'no way' God's mind suddenly becomes of no consequence. so ive officially been reformed. im now open to the hurt, joy, pain, extasy, and unbelievable 'im alive' feeling that comes with love. and i trust that He will hold me as He shows me His will for my life.
i leave for ohio tomorrow!!! i get to see TA *dances around with intense joy* how long has it been babe? i know. long enuff. itll be so much fun =) i can barely wait.
life is good.
yes, with all the craziness, im still very much in love with life and my Lord.

overwhelming work

2005-02-22T16:50:00.000-08:00

ok i travel to emory tomorrow.
ive got a philosophy test tomorrow.
a french assignment due tomorrow.
a discrete math assignment due tomorrow.
and i need to turn in an application tomorrow or else.....
needless to say, im busy.
feel free to pray for me as regards my emory interviews (thursday, friday, 9 interviews in all. yay!)

dont.piss.me.off

2005-02-20T20:33:00.000-08:00

this is for all those who go to my school and seem to have taken time out of their busy schedules to piss me off.
watch.it.
push me far enough and u will be introduced to a part of me u do not want to see. ive had it up to here with all the special people who are looking for new and improved ways to annoy me. to those who seem to be investing their resources into advanced ways to push my buttons, the next unfortunate individual who looks for my trouble will find it.
and when i do blow, the lava that will descend upon u will not be proportional to ur crime. i will be lashing out at all the people whove made me mad the past few days. unfortunately, all my transfered aggression will be on u.
so to prevent me from saying something to u that both of us will regret, dont piss me off.
and believe me when i say u will regret it.
very.very.very.much.
i suggest everyone avoids me entirely for the next couple days.
now im going to pray that God helps me deal with the very unchristian thots running thru my head.

reality bites

2005-02-19T19:59:00.000-08:00

u think u know someone.....
went for gli meeting today. and when it was done i sorta became the topic of the conversation (no fair!!!) it was kinda like "og, whats going on in ur life, whats up with all the drama?"
it was great to discuss my life with like-minded people. ok maybe not great. but it was great to get advice. and something e.n said sorta struck me. he said "be careful with this relationship u have with ur new friend". it was kinda weird, cos i didnt know what i had to be worried about. i mean, she's cool, i really respect her, its a mutually beneficial relationship. aint no need to worry. he was talking about the 'iron sharpeneth iron' thing. i was even annoyed that he acted like there's no way i could positively influence her. ok, whatever.
anyhu, i spent a bit of time with her today. and something bad happened. i lost a lot of money. or so i thot. and i was soooooooooo depressed. i mean, im the epitome of broke college student. i have no money to throw away. so, of course, i was visibly upset. and then, being the wonderful person she is, she said some 'words of encouragement'.
i could not believe it. i mean, who says "i hope ure mad at urself" when the other person loses money?!?! what happened to simple things like "so sorry" and "i hope u find it" and "let me help u search". it was almost like i didnt know this friend of mine.
so i stared at her.
i wanted to say "who are you?"
u think u know someone.....

miracles still come in threes

2005-02-18T20:47:00.000-08:00

i have a cousin that i love more than myself.
her name is o.m.a
and on a bright and sunny day, God called her name.
1) she got into jefferson medical school
2) she got into grad school at temple university
3) she got a job
all in one freakin day!!!!!!!!!!
okay, where do we start thanking God from?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO FREAKIN PROUD OF U BEBE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*does crazy victory dance on your behalf*
=)
=)
=)

see who's a lily-livered prune now

2005-02-17T20:31:00.000-08:00

how do u break a guy's heart?
is there a book one can buy to make the experience less painful? can i take classes? can i buy an instructional video? c'mon someone out there must have figured it out by now.
i feel like crap.
somma u know j.d.c (also known as yellow pepper). well, we've had this really interesting relationship for a while now. sometime in junior year, he stepped up to me and did the whole 'i think we'll be great together' spiel. yeah. ok...urm.....no.
but ive never known how to say that to guys. even if i happen to be dating someone else! which is kinda stupid. but i feel almost guilty saying 'i think ure a great guy but im dating someone and im crazy about him'. i feel all the guy hears is 'u aint good enuff for me, im with a man u could never be, now go home and lose my number'. ack! life is ....arrghh!
anyhu, back to jdc. first time he said it, i was totally spooked out. why? cos his cousin hit on me before so im thinking "what am i? a familial conquest?" anyhu, whatever. i eventually found the bollocks to tell him i wasnt interested. so he did the lets just be friends angle. and we were. we even became movie buddies. which was proly not such a great idea cos we're on his bed, lights turned off, watching bruce almighty and lion king. anyway, the experience made me even more sure nothing could ever happen. i guess it wasnt that way with him.
so last semester he renewed his efforts. which i found highly irritating. i mean, what the heck do u want me to say? and then his mom became firmly convinced that im skinny and need to gain weight and started bringing food for me. ladies and gentlemen, never a good idea to have the mother of a guy who likes u bring u food. anyhu, jdc feels hes got a place in my heart or somin cos one day he gets all stupid in public. he said somin about the whole mom's food thing in front of people and i saw red!!!! yeah, i went ballistic and swore that i would mod before having anything to do with that family ever. which is what i shoulda done in the first place.
anyhu, lets just say i aint in love with him. then he writes me this letter 2 weeks back which, my darlins was a work of art. and i promise to write one back. but i cant cos, u know, ive never known how to do these types of things. so ive been avoiding him since. and of course, it's when ure hiding from someone that they show up everywhere. so folks i walk with have gotten used to me stopping all of a sudden and running off in the opposite direction.
what's that phrase we have at home? 10 days for the thief, 1 day for the owner. yeah, thats it. well, lets just say that today was his day. he called my room and my roomie passed the phone to me. lets just say i almost shot myself in the foot, especially since i had planned to study in dickey hall today but decided to stay in my room cos i was too lazy. anyhu, he says he'll be coming in 20 mins to pick up the letter. i say ok.
then promptly run into the shower.
10 mins later, my roomie says he called to say he's coming to pick up somin but she told him i left nothin so he shouldnt waste his time. and, being the adamant person he is, he still said he was coming to pick up his due. i tell her i have nothin to give him and to cover for me. anyhu, i stayed in the shower waiting. i cursed myself every 5 mins. after a while, my fingers became all prune-like. i began to curse myself every 3 mins. then my nail polish began to evaporate. i started cursing myself every minute. then my blood became prune juice. at this point, i give up and just stare dejectedly at my toes.
eventually, my roomie comes to tell me the coast is clear. he had come up, she opened the door, told him she had nothing to give him, and goodbye. i love my roomie who saves my behind time and time again. and yes im an evil child. i know.
i spent exactly 52 mins in the shower.
i came out and felt like the dirtiest person alive.
my pores have however decided that due to their exposure to steam for such an extended period of time, they will remain open for the rest of the year. yay....
pray for me.
that i'll learn to say what needs to be said, when it needs to be said, in the manner in which it needs to be said.
and that i'll go write the friggin letter.

tired

2005-02-16T16:55:00.000-08:00

im tired of school.
im tired of work.
im tired of getting up in the morning.
im tired of people who expect me a lot from me.
im tired of people who dont.
im just tired.
but im going to stop complaining.
im going to put my lazy behind to work. and in 4 hours, whether ive done a lot or not, i'll be going to bed.
tomorrow, will be another chance to make this world beautiful.
hopefully i wont be too tired to do it.

how could i not say this the minute i heard

2005-02-14T18:47:00.000-08:00

JU GOT IN YET ANOTHER SCHOOL!!!!!!
:D
yeah, baby!
tulane is now the 4th school to woo my baby.
you go girl!!!!!!!!!!
ps: u should pay me 20 bucks for all the congratulations ive given u this semester. its doubtful that ive congratulated any other soul more than i have u.
pps: im so proud of u baby =)

edit: she was invited for an interview. pray people, pary

true love

2005-02-14T18:02:00.001-08:00

ok i had an absolutely horrible day.
so i was gonna come here and gripe my heart out. the title of the post was going to be "where is the love?" or "valentine, schmalentine" or somin colorful like that. then i saw somthing my uncle sent to my mom.....

#4210 Wings Over The Mountains of Life
Job Position
POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama
JOB DESCRIPTION:Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages andmental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap plastic toys and battery-operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:Get this -- you pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
~Author Unknown~

after i read that i remembered what valentine's day is really about. and it made me forget about the incredibly bad day i had and instead be grateful for all the people who willingly took on bad days just for me. the people who are my valentines every single day of the year.
so in the spirit of true love, i wish u all a wonderful valentine's day.
now im gonna call my momma.

circles of influence

2005-02-12T18:35:00.000-08:00

to all the people who make sure we always see the beauty in ourselves.....
i had a GLI meeting today. its an organizaton im a part of that concerns itself with influencing nations through strategic partnership. its mission is to build a network of students and young professionals that are technically and morally excellent, that will emerge as leaders causing change with a kingdom mentality, bringing the life and wisdom and creativity of Christ into every sphere of life. yep, im definitely at home there. too often, christians are seperatists. yeah, we arent of this world, but we are in it. ergo, we should stop acting as if we cant be bothered with what happens here. this is where gli comes in. it opens the minds of christians to understand the need for effecting change in this world while we are still on this earth. we dont see leadership necessarily as a position (like ceo of some fortune 500) but as being able to influence the way others think, act, and live.
i realized today that when we talk about influencing people, we are often thinking about random groups of people we come in contact with on a daily basis. i think of students in my class, the girls who live on my floor, stuff like that. but then i had a beautiful conversation with ta this morning. and i realized that influence isnt limited to 'those people' out there. its also about our inner circles. those people we love. those we would do everything and anything for. ta is a person i would call when i need to confess my sins and stupidity (which, believe me, is rather often). and the way i view myself is often dependent on conversations like that.
one of my friends once said "sinners can repent; stupid is forever". cracked me up!!! =). but ta constantly proves her wrong. she makes me see that regardless of what craziness i do, im still the best there is. no matter how grave the sin, He is still crazy about me. when the perception i have of myself is shaky becos of my actions, she gets rid of the fog in the mirror of my soul.
that, my friends, is influence.
so the question is: who do u influence and how do u affect the way they view themselves?

eughhh...

2005-02-10T17:14:00.000-08:00

i think im coming down with something.
im un-freakin-believably tired.
i need to go lie down....
*staggers off*

im human. and thats okay

2005-02-09T17:58:00.000-08:00

today i went thru many of the human emotions that many consider 'ugly'.
disappointment.
found out that i hadnt been the best friend i could possibly be to 2 of my friends today.
shame.
i treated one of them very thotlessly on monday. i realized yesterday that i had probably done something wrong. so i left a note apologizing about it, u know, just incase. well, i found out today that it was even worse than i thot. i was so ashamed of myself. i couldnt believe that i had totally been clueless as regards the effect of my actions on her.
despair.
less than 5 mins after this, i found out that perhaps i hadnt shown myself thotful/caring enuff to another friend. i wondered why she hadnt told me about her issue. is it that she felt i would condemn her? or she thot i wouldnt take her seriously? or perhaps i simply hadnt earned the right to listen.
desperation.
being the person that i am, i had to protect her. i didnt want anyone else to find out the way i had done. but that meant i had to manipulate something. and i couldnt seem to do it right. but this was something i had done before so why wasnt it working this time? i needed to get it done! i needed to help her! if i couldnt trust myself to help in one small thing, how could i even ask that she trust me? i was getting frantic. u dont even understand. i was ready to start crying in anger cos i was so frustrated.
sadness.
i eventually got it done. i began to walk over to lincoln hall and i was just overcome with feelings of failure. like i coulda been better, shoulda done better. so i took the path less trod, in the hopes of hiding my grief from the world.
turns out that path less trod has become the popular one. seems like everyone was there. people who know me know that i'll always smile and say hello to everyone i meet. sometimes all the person u see on the road needs is a smile to remind them that its all gonna be okay. so i reached into the inner me to find the strength to smile like everything was peachy. and i did find the strength. but when i was done with the hellos and how are yous, i felt empty. and what came to my mind was the r. kelly song "heaven i need a hug".
and then it hit me!
i was getting my hug from heaven. He promised to hold me in His everlasting arms. so i grabbed my hug and refused to let go. and i came to understand that yes im fearfully and wonderfully made. yes, ive been made as perfect as humanly possible. but ive also been made as human as perfect can get. so its okay to feel the whole range of human emotions. its okay to run thru the entire gamut of the emotions He put in me.
and i could feel Him smiling at me as i became comfortable with the fact that even as i reach for the divine, im still human.
and thats okay.
slowly, i felt a smile take over my lips. and this time it wasnt directed at anyone passing by. no, this smile was for me.
perfectly human, humanly perfect me.

How do i love Thee? Let me count the ways

2005-02-08T20:30:00.000-08:00

U know i love U right?
Thank U for Ur love
Thank U for Ur grace
Thank U for Ur mercy

Thank U for seeing me thru all the times when my eyes were wide shut.

Thank U for my friends who go out of their way to be .....U know...... friends

Thank U for my big bro. of all the people alive, he's the one person i piss off the most. he's also the one person who'll still do anything for me.

Thank U for my small bro who thinks daisies sprout wherever my feet touch. Thank U cos hes freakin awesome, ridiculously smart and Ull help with the whole college thingie
Thank U for my baby sister who's the most precocious child on the planet. Thank U cos she's still the one person im absolutely terrified of, the one person i hope never gets mad at me, the one person who says she wants to be me when she grows up.
Thank U for my parents. nuff said.
Thank you for my beautiful extended family. nuff said again.
Thank U for Aunt P and Uncle T. Thanks for successful surgeries and siblings who give up a kidney when ours fail us.
Thank U for my philosophy exam tomorrow. Thank U cos even tho im not done studying yet, Ull totally be there with and for me when it comes to crunch time.
Thank U for my roomie who allows me to be a slob and an idiot and has been with me for 4 years. Dont know how I'll survive on my own after graduation but that's another story.
Thank U for the gift of people who actually think im a fantastic person. Thank U becos it's simply Ur awesomeness in me that they see.
Thank U cos it was U who first loved me.
Thank U most especially for Ur love.
Did i ever tell U i love U?
i might have?
Well, allow me say it again:
I LOVE U!!!
but U knew that already
:-)

crazinesssssss

2005-02-07T20:33:00.000-08:00

i think im about to do one of the craziest things of my entire college career (and believe me, i think ive done some mighty crazy things already). and no do not ask me what it is, cos i aint gonna tell ya.
so the question is: how is one ever sure? u know, ever truly, truly, sure that the path one is about to take is the right one?
Dear Jesus please help me.
in not even wildly related news, i got another email from sw today. twas....interesting. the best line was:
Not that youre totally mysterious, or i mean, that i think youre mysterious, or i mean that you think youre mysterious or that i mean, umm yeah that anyway,..I wanted to see how many times i could use that word mysterious, sounds cool huh?:)
i thot it did sound cool. made me laugh. and wonder. am i really mysterious? i mean, i think im an open book. a bit too open perhaps. so i was wondering what the whole mystery woman thing was about. but i like the implication. u know, im the sexy, unattainable, super-mysterious woman ;-)
*in austin power's voice* yeah, baby!
lol.
im happy. very happy. twas a truly productive day today and i aint complaining. i found out what my world lit final is - compare and contrast my best and worst book from class. i think it could have been a bit more interesting, but hey! we'll work with it.
okay mes chéris, have a wonderful, wondeful night.
and yes, feel free to dream about oh-so-sexy-and-mysterious me!
i know, the Lord needs to save me from meself
:-)

my poor eagles.....

2005-02-06T19:35:00.000-08:00

WHY????????????????????????????
*sobs hysterically*

weekend of lassitude

2005-02-06T17:30:00.000-08:00

hello my sweet things....
feelin pretty good about myself. this weekend i got absolutely nothin done and no, im not about to go shoot myself in the foot. this was my weekend to retreat from the wicked wicked world (apologies to all those who tried to call. i not only turned off my phone, i took out the battery)
i emailed father p. most of u proly dont know him. he's a marist priest from new zealand and i simply fell in love with him. he's the kindest sweetest soul ever - type of priest u cant imagine being anything else. anyhu, we've been emailing each other back and forth since i left the ice. he's back in new zealand now and he's a councillor for his marist congregation. i wish i was there. if only to hear him say mass again. he makes it such a beautiful, personal experience. it feels like its just u and Christ. he puts the spirit back in mass. anyhu, i emailed him today. and i sorta told him about all my issues. and once i was done, i felt so much better. i havent been for confession in years. its one of the catholic dogmas im not too sure about. but writing to him felt almost like a confessional. this is not to say that im about to start going for confession every saturday now. it just felt good telling my priest about my issues. and it felt good knowing that im in his prayers.
which brings me to all the people who prayed for me during this trying period (do i sound too melodramatic? i do? well, u know me. im the original drama queen). thank u! thank u! and thank u again! im grateful for all the supplications that went up to Him on my behalf. u guys are a reason i feel so good now.
turns out a friend of mine has found the love of his life (ma and to, remember ms from summer of love?). him and his lady took a beautiful pic at the b'more harbor and he sent it out to a bunch of us. and they looked so good together. and it sorta reminds me of all my friends whove found love. my friend from high school is getting married this summer. many of my friends are semi-engaged (thats the state where u already act like a married couple, u guys know when ure going to get married, uve thot of where ure going to live and raise kids, all thats left is the actual buying of rings). and for the first time, it didnt feel weird. u know, like im happy for all u loved and lovers. but i dont want to be u. all the discomfort of being the single one among rapidly coupling people......gone. i love my life. im happy with it. im happy for all couples. but i dont want to be one. im firmly convinced that men bring drama. and im also firmly convinced that i bring even more drama. so its best for me to dramatize alone. i spent alot of time thinking about my life this weekend. where i want it to go, how i want it to go, stuff like that. and i realize that i have a wonderful future. and i dont want a man in it. i mean, itll be great to have the companionship and all, so i intend to date like theres no tomorrow. but real emotional attachment....cant handle it. too much heartache. too much drama. i will date u tho, so leave ur number with my secretary. ;-)
anyhu, the point of all this is im in love with myself again.
its good to be back, my lovelies, its good to be back.

lazy....

2005-02-05T20:12:00.000-08:00

got abso-freakin-lutely nothin done today.
and i dont care.
in related news, i have so much work to do its unbelievable.
i realized today that i miss someone. and i just wish this someone would call, or email, or somehow get in contact with me. and i dont think someone feels this way which is kinda sad.
and im kinda sad.
im also terribly, terribly hungry.
maybe i should stop rambling